random raves, You Tube Flicks

Happy Holidays, yo.

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The Harder They Come

It’s Christmas Day, which means if you’re reading this, you’re a big fan of ISP, or a big pervert…or maybe a little of both.

So, Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays.

Since you’re a fan, I’d like to give you a holiday gift.

Well, kinda. I mean if we were meeting face-to-face, I’d invite you to meet up at my very favorite coffee shop in the whole wide world — Intelligentsia. It’s in my neck of the woods, so you’d have to get yourself to Los Angeles. But if you did, I’d buy ya a super yummy drink, and lay a pound of their fabulous coffee on ya.

Then, as an added surprise, I’d give you the newly issued version of The Harder They Come, which is nicely housed as a 2 disc, re-mastered Special Edition, which includes not only the movie, but the soundtrack, too!

It’s the greatest soundtrack of all time.

Let me say that again, one more time, in case you weren’t listening: The Harder They Come is the greatest movie soundtrack ever released.

You betcha, Mister.

Better than Valley Girl.

Way better than High Fidelity.

Even better than Vampyros Lesbos.

And that’s saying a lot, my friend.

But since I’ll never meet you, and you probably aren’t coming to Los Angeles anytime soon, how about some free smut?

Allyson Wyte is the brand new girl at Blacks on Blondes. She’s also the boss’s wife, and she’s conducting job reviews, and it’s time she reviews Ice Cold’s work.

Uh huh.

Barbie Cummings wants a black baby for Christmas. Ace and Jon Jon give her the gift that keeps coming, over and over.

Andi Anderson went to the hole with me for a little holiday cheer a few weeks ago.

So did Mahlia Milan.

If that’s not enough for ya, check out Jimmy Cliff and His Bad Ass Self, circa 1972.

And Happy Holidays, yo.

random rants, random raves

Mickey Rourke is The Wrestler

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The Wrestler

I think I told you this once, but I don’t remember…so I’ll say it again: Porno and Pro Wrestling have a lot in common.

1) It’s a show.

2) It’s fake.

3) It’s real.

4) Both have a tremendous entertainment value.

When I was a kid, I’d sit in front of TV on Sundays and tune in to Channel 44, where The Bruiser and The Crusher would beat the shit out of anyone who stood in their way. This included Baron von Raschke, Ernie “The Big Cat” Ladd, and any other number of “heels” Bob Luce would toss at them.

Later on, I was a big fan of WCW. I really liked it when they would stage their matches in a little TV studio in Charlotte, NC. After that, they got huge, and Hulk Hogan was their heel, and I’d stay up in my little apartment in The Tenderloin where I was banging out a novel — and I’d stop working every time WCW came on.

Those dudes beat the shit out of each other.

Of course it wasn’t real.

But it kinda was.

Just like The Bang Bus, right? I mean it’s not really real…those dudes don’t really drive around town until they find a cute girl on the side of the road who’s willing to jump into a stranger’s van. But those whores are really jumping into a van, and getting fucked in the back of it while driving around Miami, so that makes it real, right?

Am I making sense?

I always wondered why no one really gets pissed at the pro wrestlers who promote violence and hatred in a world coming apart at the seams with violence and hatred, yet people are all up in arms over porno. Why don’t those right wing, conservative nut bags protest pro wresting? They’re all over us…why not them?

Well, they’re all big fans of pro wresting. Which really doesn’t make much sense either, cause all those right wing, conservative nut bags love to jerk to porn, too; in fact, they’re my biggest fans.

One of the cool things about living in LA is movies open here first.

One of the cool things about living in LA are celebrity sightings, which I’m a total geek boy over.

Last night I went to see Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler“, and while I was walking into the theater, Marilyn Manson and one of the actors in “The Wrestler” — Evan Rachel Wood — were walking out.

Together.

But since I was fucking around on my cell, I didn’t catch a very good celebrity sighting. Which is to say on a scale of 1 – 10, I’d rank this a 6, but it had the potential of being a 10! Evan Rachel Wood going to see her own movie with Marilyn Manson scores a 10 in my book…unless they were there to see “Gran Torino” or “Slum Dog Millionaire” — which is highly doubtful.

(I scored an 8 once when I spotted Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey hanging out together; they walked into Black Oak Books in Berkeley, CA…one of my very favorite bookstores in that great book town.)

Adrianna Nicole, who made me aware of Miss Wood and Miss Manson, got a really good look at them, and she told me they’re a couple. Or they were a couple? Or something along those lines.

I really liked “The Wrestler”, and as I sat there watching Mickey Rourke play himself, it was hard for me to stop thinking about all the parallels between my profession and what The Wrestler does for a living.

Some of the critics have already panned The Wrestler, and maybe they’re right — in as much as part of the film are predictable and contrived. But I really liked it, and when it comes your way, I’d say go check it out.

I gotta run. Time to work. See, I’m shooting an interracial gang bang for the world’s greatest interracial website — Blacks on Blondes — and it’s time to go to set.

And even though the gang bang is fake…it’s very, very real.

Super Fun Message Board Posts

Super Fun Craig’s List Ads: Doggystyle with Mario & Luigi.

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Super Mario Brothers porno

FWD’d to me by Gia Paloma and originally posted on Craig’s List Orlando, FL:

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

random rants

Muntadhar al Zaidi — My New Hero.

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muntadhar_al_zaidi_throws_shoe_at_bush

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d pull myself out of bed and blog; maybe it would help me snooze, but I hope it doesn’t have the same effect on you.

Oh, and if my editing skillz don’t pay the billz at 2 am, eat my turd.

I know why I can’t sleep: I’m in Phoenix, and not in my own bed, and that always seems to fuck with me; today’s my birthday, and that’s certainly fucking with me — even though I hate to admit it; I didn’t bring my nite-nite medication with me, and the 1/2 bottle of wine I just knocked down didn’t really help much; a girl I fell in love with is such a pathetic liar that it just breaks my heart; but the bestest, most fun thing that kept me up is my new hero — Muntadhar al Zaidi — the journalist from Iraq who whipped his zapato at our shitty, fucked-up President.

I know this might sound silly, but Muntadhar al Zaidi has some big fucking balls, man. Mainly cause he knew once he did what he was about to do he’d pretty much lose his journalist job forever, and trust me, even if you hate your fucking job, you still gotta have some juevos grandes to do something so crazy you’d lose your job forever.

The only thing more impressive than Muntadhar al Zaidi’s two great attempts at taking off George W. Douchbag’s head with his shoes was W’s super-sleek, super-agile dodges at the shoe coming straight for his head. If that silly motherfucker did his job over the past 8 years 1/2 as well as he did ducking those shoes, we’d be calling John McCain Mr. President-Elect.

I heard after the whole thing went down they wanted to test Muntadhar al Zaidi to see if there was any drugs or alcohol in his system. To which I say are you fucking kidding me? First off, there’s about a zillion American’s who want to do what he just did — let alone Iraqis. Second, let’s have Mr. President piss into a cup so we can see if he’s under the influence of any booze or dope, cause that’s the way he’s run this country the last 8 years — fucked up out of his gord.

God damnit I wanna take my shoes off and clock the President upside his noggin. Imagine the amount of money the RNC could raise if they ran some sort of County-Fair-Type-Thang which featured a bunch of cool bands playing, a few kegs of beer, and a single booth: The Take Off Your Shoes And Whip Them at George W Bush booth.

I would pay $500 a shoe for such a privilege (really, I would); some would pay more, and a whole lot less, but if that stupid Mofo would just sit at that booth long enough for, say…Wilco and Radiohead and Beck to play full sets, the RNC could easily raise a few million bucks…which they could just hand to Sarah Palin for her run in 2012.

Imagine the Shopping Spree Ho-down those Alaskan Hillbillies would have! (Again).

You probably heard the same thing I did today — that feet are a stinky, yucky thing to our fine Arab friends, and when someone hurls a shoe at you while you’re in, say, Saudi Arabia, they really think you’re a dirty dog. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, Muntadhar al Zaidi called Mr President a dirty fucking dog while security was taking him down.

Why did security take him down? It was a secure room, and he was throwing shoes at Bush. What the fuck? My sister used to throw her shoes at me all the time, and even when she made a direct hit, the worst thing I ever got was a bloody nose.

Know what Muntadhar al Zaidi got?

Maybe 8 to 10 years in the slam.

And a whole bunch of dead relatives while we made Iraq a great place, Free & Full o’ Democracy.

Wait. Wasn’t it all about Al-Quaida?

Wait. Wasn’t it all about liberating Iraq from Saddam?

Wait. Wasn’t it all about the WMD’s that were all over the place?

Wait. Wasn’t it all about 911?

Wait.

You’re in for some good news. I’m starting to feel sleepy. So sleepy I’ll skip over the sappy, stoopid Falling in Love with a Big Fat Liar ghey-ness (cause I’m saving that one for a rainy day) and move right into my birthday, cause it’s almost 3 am, which means at almost exactly this time, some 45 years ago, I crept out of my mom’s V-Jay Jay to start my life.

Did I tell you the very first thing I ever did was piss all over the doctor and his nurses?

Really, I did. It was a long, fine, golden stream that seemed to catch everyone (and by surprise, too) so much so that the doctor said something along the lines of, “well, we know his plumbing works!”

It was 20 below that day, and the very first picture taken of me was in my great-grandmother’s arms, with my great-grandpa smiling at me. He was a retired Chicago cop — a big Irishman — and she owned a bar on the South Side for years and years. (She served “ice cream” during prohibition, and somehow I think she’s the only dead relative I have that thinks what I do it OK).

Ever think your dead relatives watch you beat off to porn? And they’re tsk-tsking you in Heaven, and waiting to chide you for it once you get there?

I bet you’ve thought that — more than once. And I bet you’re worried that God has watched you beat your fucking meat as well.

You fucking pervert.

How about this: your relatives are watching you beat off and they’re envious, and they’re cheering you on, cause they know how much fun that shit is, and they wish they could do the same.

You fucking pervert.

Once I asked Father Mike what Heaven was like. The only thing I remember was, “the streets are paved with gold” which, even when you’re 12, sounds a little off. I wanted to ask Father Mike something like, “if the streets are paved with gold, that makes gold valuable, which means people in Heaven will want it, which means we’re all have jobs in Heaven, which means to me, heaven kinda sucks, and I’m only 12 and never had to work a day in my life.”

Instead I said something like “Wow Father Mike! Tell me more!!” which, at that point, he led me into the Rectory’s hot tub for a little chat.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Father Dale was another story. He was the fine Catholic priest who would come say a prayer at my little brother’s football games, and then linger around and ask all the boys after the game — while they were showering — how it all went. He was also the one the had those same boys write his name on their underwear, so when they got dirty, lustful thoughts, they’d see the words “Father Dale” rise with their tighty-whiteys, which, of course, would make them cease thinking about whatever it was that was giving them a boner; hence, they’d lost the filth and only think pure, clean thoughts…and their boners would suddenly vanish!

You fucking pervert.

I’m telling the truth about Father Mike — who really was a great guy and never once asked me to take a dip with him in the hot tub; as well as Father Dale — who really did do all the things I just said.

Oh, and the hot tub thing came from Father Dale, who really had a hot tub.

At his rectory.

Just in case any of the teens from the group he founded — “Life Teen” — wanted to take go tubbing with him.

And you were worried about God and your dead relatives watching you beat off to porn.

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun e-Mails: Things Happen, I Guess…

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Amber Fully Loaded

Amber Fully Loaded writes:

Dear Billy:

It started after chatting with you about how my boss had asked me recently if I would mind wearing a skirt to the occasional meeting with clients. I asked why and he said that a “little sex appeal” never hurts when it came to helping land some contracts.

He is a super cool guy and we always get along great, so when he asked me I knew it was not something sleazy but just a way to help things along. I am not naive enough to think that a little flirtation can’t help seal a deal when needed. When I mentioned it to you I joked that next time he asked me to wear a skirt I should just ask if I should wear underwear or not! You thought that was a great idea so sure enough, the next time my boss asked me I replied, “should I just leave my panties at home?”

I think I caught him off guard but he smiled and said that was up to me, but he wasn’t sure if I wore them or not. I laughed and told him of course I did!

A few days went by and no more was said about it. He bought me lunch later in the week and in the elevator ride back to the office, he asked if today was one of the days I was wearing underwear. I said “of course I am!” He didn’t believe me so I undid the button on my pants and pulled them down a bit so he could see. That pretty much shut him up!

This continued for about a week, each time he would call me into his office for a “Panty Check” and each time I would pull down my pants or lift my skirt so he could see I was wearing them. One day he got a bit more aggressive and he undid my pants and pulled them down himself so he could “have a good look”. I do have a boyfriend but this mild teasing and flirting was fun, plus I didn’t really think it would lead anywhere.

Last Friday was our staff Christmas party. Everyone had a few drinks at the office, and then we went out to a steak house for dinner, then back to the office for a few more drinks, our Secret Santa gift exchange and home. One by one my boss was calling everyone into his office for a quick Christmas chat and to hand out a card and a small Christmas bonus. Woohoo! When he called me in I had already had a few glasses of wine and was feeling pretty happy lol.

He gave me my card and bonus (which was much needed) and he asked me if I decided to wear underwear to the party. Before I could say anything, he said “teasing time was over” and he dropped to his knees, stuck his hands up my skirt and pulled my panties down and past my shoes. Whether it was the wine and the mood of the party, or maybe it was some other yearning but I did not resist. He began lightly fingering me pussy then picked me up and placed me on the end of his desk. Then he scooped his hands under my bum and I lay back while he continued to keep licking away at my pussy. Any thoughts of my boyfriend were nowhere to be found as he just kept working away on me. His tongue was darting in and out and I had not been licked like that in ages. I don’t think I have ever been eaten with such passion before! When I finally came it felt amazing and I know I came a lot! He continued to keep licking me then suggested we get back to the party before anyone notices. I slipped my panties back on and he said I could “pay him back another time”.

That time happened Monday after work. I kinda hung behind so I could catch him by himself and it turned out he was stalling to catch me too. He said that he was glad about what happened at the party but if I felt freaked out about it because of my boyfriend, he would understand. I said it did catch me a bit by surprise but it was nice. He asked if my boyfriend ate me out a lot and I admitted he didn’t as much as I would like LOL. My boss said that was a crime and once again he was on his knees, pulling my pants and panties all the way off. This time he hoisted me onto his desk right away and started licking me with force. He looked up and said my boyfriend was a slacker and that my pussy should be enjoyed every day so the lips were always nice and pink and puffy. Again I came quite a bit but this time we were not done, I sat up and I could see from the bulge in his pants he was already really hard.

“It’s your turn,” he said as he undid his pants and his cock came springing into view. I was impressed with its size. Not THE biggest I had ever seen, but at least 7 inches and quite thick. I dropped to my knees and started licking it right away. I didn’t want him to think I was all about my pleasure only so I licked and sucked it with real force. I pulled out all the stops and could tell by his moaning it was doing the trick. I was bobbing on it quite quick, taking him to the balls and back to the tip. Within about 5 minutes he told me he was ready to come so I just kept at it and he starting shooting. I counted 10 blasts and I just kept swallowing as it came.

I could tell he was impressed and told me I sucked a great cock! It’s funny now as I write this that I never ever thought this would happen when I first mentioned it to you, Billy! I know I should probably feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend but I don’t. My boss made me feel great and I was happy to return the favor. I know the whole “employee-boss” thing is a tad cliché, but things happen I guess.
_________________________________

Oh Amber!

How I would love to be your boss!

How I love the dirty pics you send me — with your face covered in jizz.

It’s the only smut that does anything for me now…real amateur stuff.

Better watch it now girl, cause you know the old saying: Don’t get your honey where you get your money.

And please, more filthy pics of you fully loaded. I promise not to show anyone!

Your pal — Billy

Nothing To Do With Porn

Party Time!

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B B W stripper party

I just got invited to a BBW Stripper Party tonight!

I guess this is a Christmas Party of some sort — and it features BBW strippers. And, from the looks of it, they’re black BBW strippers!!

BBW = Big, Beautiful Women — in case you didn’t know.

Subrina Love invited me. Phantasy is going to be there. So is Lovely Cumms, Lady Finesse, and Chocolate Nights.

If you look closely at the bottom left of the flyer, not one skinny chick will be allowed in — so don’t go looking for them, OK?

And, as long as you don’t wear your colors, you will be let in!

The $20 cover gets you one free jungle juice!

What goes down at a BBW Stripper party? Are those lovely women gonna strip…and give lap dances? Is it a Meet n’ Greet? Or will it be just another night o’ clubbin’?

Regretfully, I will never know, cause I will not be able to attend. I’m off to Phoenix to celebrate my birthday; however, I’m sending The Minion in my place.

random rants

New Hampshire — The Next Porn Valley

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Caught From Behind II

Ever wonder why shooting porn is legal and prostitution isn’t?

Wait.

Scratch that.

Ever wonder why shooting porn is legal, and the cops can’t come crashing into my studio to bust me for pandering?

Pandering — 1 : the act or crime of recruiting prostitutes or of arranging a situation for another to practice prostitution.

2 : the act or crime of selling or distributing visual or print media (as magazines) designed to appeal to the recipient’s sexual interest.

In a couple words: Freeman v. California.

Hal Freeman was this cat who made dirty movies, and one of them — called “Caught from Behind II” (that would be the sequel to “Caught from Behind”) — was released about the time the State of California had a hard-on (pardon the awful pun) for porno, and they wanted it shut down, so they decided to bust smut peddlers under their brand new, very tough pandering laws.

This was in the 80’s, and Hal Freeman was arrested for pandering after producing and distributing “Caught From Behind II”.

Let me digress for a second: Bill Margold, an acquaintance of mine (I can’t really call him a “friend”, but we’re friendly…I just dunno if he’d remember me if we ran into each other) always told me the biggest mistake PT Anderson made with his film, “Boogie Nights”, was not showing the illegalities when making smut. Cause it was totally illegal to make a dirty movie up until Freeman v CA, so dirty movies were shot in secret places, and more than once Bill and the rest of the cast and crew had to haul ass from set when the cops showed up.

And he’s right — PT Anderson shoulda had one scene in his movie when Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild and Rollergirl and Jack Horner haul ass from set cause the cops show up.

Anyways, Hal Freeman was popped for pandering, and he lost his first appeal, and it looked like the State of California was on its way to shutting down our beloved smut industry.

Until Freeman’s case got to the Supreme Court of California, and they overturned his conviction because they felt hiring actors to fuck and suck in front of a camera wasn’t covered in the state’s pandering law.

The only way they could have nailed Freeman was if he paid the actors to suck and fuck him.

The State of California got pissed, and they took the case to the Supreme Court, and the Supreme Court decided not to hear it; hence, shooting smut in California was legalized. This was 1989, and, from what I could find about Hal Freeman, he died that same year.

I’m blogging this cause just the other day the state of New Hampshire ruled last Thursday that a man who offered to pay two adults to have sex while he videotaped the act is not guilty of a crime.

According to the court docs, the defendant “”was employed as a court security officer in Franklin District Court. On December 5, 2005, he asked a young woman, C.H., and her boyfriend, J.S., who were at the court paying fines, if they needed employment. After informing them that he could not discuss the job at the courthouse, he met them in a parking lot behind a bank. The defendant asked the couple if they wanted to make ‘fuck flicks.’ The defendant specified the details: he would pay them fifty dollars per hour, he would rent a hotel room, and they would use temperature blankets and different condoms while the defendant videotaped them having intercourse.”

Temperature blankets?

Condoms for the couple?!

Fifty bucks per hour!

The couple wasn’t interested, and went and told mommy about the bad, bad security guard from the court house, so mommy filed a compliant with the court.

Dude recently winds up winning, so now, in addition to California, it’s OK to shoot a dirty movie in New Hampshire.

As long as it’s not a POV.

Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#56) — Sarah Vandella

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Sarah Vandella interview

I Shoot Porn: You just worked the glory hole at The Champagne Room. Now we’re back to my studio to make more smut. What’s your take on the glory hole?

Sarah Vandella: I love glory holes! To me, they’re the dirtiest act I can imagine. It’s so taboo. You don’t know who’s on the other side of that hole, so the anonymity of it makes it so hot. It’s something I would jerk to if I was watching porn! When I was a kid, I was very into masturbation. The first visual I ever masturbated to was a picture of Jay Leno! Can you believe that? I had a newspaper clipping of Jay!

ISP: Why Jay Leno?

SV: Something about his chin really turned me on. When I was a kid, I wore braces, and at I had to wear head gear. I used to lay on my belly to masturbate, and I was rubbing one out to Jay’s pic, and I’m about to cum, and I knew I was either gonna cum — or break my head gear. Sure enough, it broke, so the next morning I had to make up a lie to my mom about how I broke my head gear. I remember the orgasm effect, though…even though I was young! It broke my headgear!

ISP: Let’s talk about your whorish ways.

SV: Well, I pretty much got started escorting about a year out of college, and, you know, out of school I worked regular jobs, and I hated it. So I decided to use my looks — and my sexuality — to make some money. I remember looking in the Yellow Pages for local strip clubs! I was so naive! Plus I was shy, and I had low self-esteem, so I really wasn’t promiscuous. I just didn’t think I was sexy, or that I could turn men on. But I got up the courage to go to try out. The club was a total peep show, like the one I just shot in with you, and we did “extras” there.

ISP: Extras?

SV: We did blow jobs for $200. A hand job went for $80. The guys always wore condoms.

ISP: Was there any sex in The Champagne Room?

SV: At first, no. The owner was very careful. He didn’t want to go to jail. He knew the club was already pushing it. Anyways, I worked there a month, and I knew there were legal brothels in Nevada, so the next thing you know I was at Sherry’s Ranch in Nevada.

ISP: So you love your work.

SV: I loved it! I got a little taste, and I wanted more! The girls at the Strip Joint didn’t understand it when I left for Sherry’s, but it was all about loving sex.

ISP: So how did you segue that into porn?

SV: It’s not like I always wanted to be a porn star. But I did always want to be a whore. As a kid, I didn’t want to be Jenna Jameson, it was all about expressing myself sexually. Some of the girls at the brothel did scenes, and I decided to call some of the agents in LA, and, over a six month time frame, I asked all sorts of questions. And I thought about it. I kept escorting, and one day I just felt ready. So I came to LA, shot for Naughty America, and finally fell into my current agent. I’ve been doing it now for about a year.

ISP: What went through your head as you were signing your very first model release?

SV: Oh, god! I was so nervous. I just felt dumb. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t want to sound like someone else. It took a little while for me to be comfortable on camera, and to know how to open up for the camera, and how to really work it! But the first two weeks I didn’t have a clue.

ISP: If I opened your fridge right now, what am I gonna find?

SV: I don’t have a fridge. That’s not a good question for me, cause I travel so much. I have three rental cars, but I don’t have a fridge.

ISP: Were you popular in high school?

SV: No, not at all. I was a total dork. I played sports and kept to myself.

ISP: What sports did you play?

SV: Soccer.

ISP: Were you a problem child growing up?

SV: Yes. Very much. I was a bad kid. I just never fit in, and I was always made fun of. In school I was rebellious. I would always talk back to teachers because I was bullied all the time. I felt the kids didn’t have to right to talk shit about me, and even the teachers were idiots.

ISP: What’s your sex life like off camera, and when you’re not escorting?

SV: For the past two years, I haven’t gotten any dick! Not unless there’s a camera around. I never get laid if I’m not working! Guys never ask me out. They don’t like me. I don’t know if they think I’m super bitch or what!

ISP: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done without a camera rolling or getting paid?

SV: (Thinks for a second). OK! This is a true story. I hit on my massage therapist a couple years ago. He totally freaked, but not in a bad way. He had a girlfriend at the time, but he was in the middle of a transition, so to speak. He was so shy! He started sweating! It was so cute! I was making him nervous. I asked him to suck dick and to fuck. He was so nervous and flustered and he said, “listen, you’re hot, but I’ve got a girlfriend!” So, I flashed him. I couldn’t help myself. He freaked out and we didn’t do anything.

ISP: That’s not really a crazy story!

SV: I know! It’s not! I’m sorry. Oh wait — here’s one. When I was 12, and I just got my first period, I was very curious about sex and dick sucking. So, I decided to go up to a random stranger and ask to blow him. And I didn’t even ask for money! What was I going to do with money at 12?

ISP: Um, how old was he?

SV: He was in his 30’s. It was almost pedophilia. I mean he wasn’t old…but he was an adult. I blew him in the bushes, and he was coaching me on what to do. Then I started getting scared, so I left. I left him in the bushed with his pants around his ankles. I remember him saying where are you going? when I walked away. I was also a huge flasher when I was a kid.

ISP: OK — that’s crazy! And I’m pretty sure when a 12 year old blows an older man, they call it pedophilia. Anyways…on to other things — your bacon: well done n’ crispy or soft n’ chewy?

SV: Well done and crispy! Gonna cook me some bacon?

ISP: Orange chicken or Moo Goo Gai Pan?

SV: I’ll take the second one. What is it?

ISP: The Beatles or Brittney?

SV: Oh! The Beatles!! Are you crazy?! I play the guitar. I had a Fender Jagstang, which was a combo Mustang and Jaguar. Curt Kobain designed it for Fender when he was still alive. It was a 16th birthday present from my dad.

ISP: Are you close to your parents?

SV: Yes, I am. They’re still married. They know everything about me. When I started dancing, I told them. When I started escorting, I told them.

ISP: What was their reaction?

SV: Well, you have to understand…it started with dancing, so by the time I was doing porn, they knew everything. It was never a shock to them. I knew from the day I started dancing I was going to make a career out of the adult industry, and they support me with that decision. Most girls do this on the DL. This is my favorite job, and it’s my career, and I’m proud of it.

ISP: Your thoughts on the butt hole?

SV: I love it! I have a little freckle on mine. It winks. I just started doing anal in my private life, and I like it. The first time I did it up the butt it went right in, and I liked it! I don’t know if I can handle big guys, yet, but one day. My aspiration is to do a DP.

ISP: Do you myspace?

SV: I have a myspace. Be my friend!

ISP: If I’m your friend, does that mean I get a BJ?

SV: Of course! What are friends for?

Sarah Vandella interview