Sound, Everyday Advice from Thelonious Monk.

advice from Thelonius Monk

T. Monk’s advice (1960)

1. Just because you’re not a drummer, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to keep time.

2. Pat your foot + sing the melody in your head when you play.

3. Stop playing all that bullshit / weird notes, play the melody.

4. Make the drummer sound good.

5. Discrimination is important.

6. You’ve got to dig it to dig it, you dig?

7. All reet!

8. Always know…(Monk)

9. It must be always night, otherwise they wouldn’t need the lights.

10. Let’s lift the band stand!!!

11. I want to avoid the hecklers.

12. Don’t play the piano part, I’m playing that. Don’t listen to me, I’m accompanying you.

13. The inside of the tune (the bridge) is the part that makes the outside sound good.

14. Don’t play everything (or every time); let some things go by. Some music just imagined. What you don’t play can be more important that what you do.

15. Always leave them wanting more.

16. A note can be small as a pin, or big as the world. It all depends on your imagination.

17. Stay in shape! Sometimes a musician waits for a gig, + when it comes, he’s out of shape + can’t make it.

18. When you’re swinging, swing some more! (What should we wear tonight? Sharp as possible!)

19. Don’t sound anybody for a gig, just be on the scene.

20. These pieces were written so as to have something to play, + to get cats interested enough to come to rehearsal.

21. You’ve got it! If you don’t want to play, tell a joke or dance, but in any case, you got it! (To a drummer who didn’t want to solo).

22. Whatever you think can’t be done, somebody will come along and do it. A genius is the one most like himself.

23. They tried to get me to hate white people, but someone would always come along + spoil it.

Who Wants a Tee?

Brittney Stevens

My pal Alec at F-ing Tee Shirts just whipped up a small batch o’ Billy Watson I Shoot Porn t’s.

I have three, and only three: a medium, a large, and an XL.

The ravishing Miss Brittney Stevens is modeling the medium.

The first three people who ask for one shall receive one: just e-mail me or leave a comment.

Oh, and check out F-ing Tee Shirts. There’s new technology that doesn’t require silk screens to make super cool shirts. According to Alec, it’s kinda like running a shirt through your computer printer.

How ’bout them apples?

[New note from Billy: they’re all gone, folks.]

Bettie Page In A Coma.

Bettie Page

James Beltran, an Associated Press Writer, reports Bettie Page has had a heart attack and is in a coma. Her management company, the Curtis Management Group, says she’s “critically ill”.

And a friend of hers says she’s in a coma, which her managers aren’t denying.

Which totally bums me out.

Bettie Page is 85 years old.

I dunno if you caught the Bettie Page biopic, but I did, and I liked it. I especially liked the way the film makers captured creepy dudes behaving totally creepy around her while she was out in public places…which, not long after she retired being a model, was something she seldom did.

In fact, I don’t think she went out much while she was a model, but I’m not too sure about that.

Here’s a porno history lesson, so listen up, especially if you don’t already know this:

In the 50’s, amateur “camera clubs” would hire models; cities all over the US had their own club. Which is to say a bunch of horny perverts, much like myself, with their cameras in tow, would haul ass to whoever in the camera club was hosting the model that weekend (don’t you know it was the dude whose wife was away), and the pervs would crowd around the model and request certain wardrobe; they’d ask her to strike various poses, and if they had really big balls they might have even asked her to nude up and show a little bush, and then they’d haul ass back to their amateur dark rooms in their basements and develop the pics, and then look at their “work” and beat off like a monkey in the zoo.

Ain’t it grand to be a pervert in the 21st century! No more dark rooms and developing and crowding around a model at your local camera club. Oh, thank you Lord for the wonder that is the internet!

Irving Klaw was based out of New York, and he was a pervert, much like myself, and he sold smut, much like myself, and he was one of the very first fetish photographers. This is post-WW II, when almost everyone was uptight, and The Pervs were just starting to surface. Klaw sold nudie pics out of the back of magazines like Titter, Beauty Parade, Eyeful, and Wink. A lot of Klaw’s work featured women in bondage, and Bettie Page was his most popular model. Eventually, Klaw got into all sorts of legal hassles over the smut he produced, and it got so bad he quit the biz and destroyed a ton of the negatives he had shot over the years.

What a shame.

Bunny Yeager was a former model turned photographer, and she lived in Florida, and she took lots of classy nude shots of her most popular model — Bettie Page. She’s still alive, by the way, and, from what I hear, she’ll be happy to take your portrait.

I want a Bunny Yeager portrait!

Anyways, I’m no Bettie Page expert, but I’m a big fan. Her look is an archetype — nothing less. And I don’t have to tell you that’s something very, very rare.

Even though I just told you.

Someone told me Bettie was most recently living somewhere in Santa Monica and was a recluse. Again, I don’t know this for sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me. She also found Christ.

If you’re ever wondering whatever happened to your favorite porn girl, don’t ever count out becoming a recluse — after finding Christ.

Adrianna Nicole introduced me to Eric Kroll recently, and we’ve become fast friends. Probably cause we’re both perverts who like to take pictures of naked girls, only his are art and mine aren’t. He also collects a lot of the same stupid shit I like to collect. Kroll is known for his fetish work, but don’t tell him I told you that…he doesn’t like to be pigeonholed. Anyways, for a spell he was Bunny Yeager’s agent. And when I first met him, I was totally blown away by all his vintage Bettie Page prints. I ended up buying a few from him, too. Actually, I’m still blown away by lots of things about Eric, which sounds kinda gay…but No Way Am I Gay.

Where am I going with all this now?

Oh, I remember now: Listen up, bros! If you happen to run into a porn star — or a model — while out doing whatever it is you do during your day, don’t be a creep.

Always remember this smart saying from your pal Billy Watson the Smut Peddler: creepy behavior gets absolutely nothing accomplished.

If you’re in absolute need to say something, just say “Hi!” and that you’re a fan, and then move on.

Quickly.

Before she reaches for the mace.

What Do You Think of Max Grundy?

Max Grundy

Last night, I was feeling like I needed some “Me Time”.

When male talent’s on set, “Me Time” means leaving him alone with the porn whore he’s working with in order to get some wood.

When I need “Me Time”, I just need to chill. By myself.

I love my neighborhood. I really do. I can walk to a strip joint, a whole bunch of bars, my favorite art gallery, a huge thrift store, my favorite bookstore, the very best coffee shop in LA, and some of my very favorite restaurants.

And since no one walks in LA, this means more than you think it does. Nothing is within walking distance in this city, so to have all this cool shit so close to my crib makes my neighborhood almost as good as eating pussy.

My crib…is a very very very fine crib.

Walkin’ in LA! Walkin’ in LA! Noboby walks in LA!

(Right now, as I bang this out, OJ’s about to get fucked up. Goes to show ya it really is hard to get away with murder, huh?)

Me Time usually means Spend Money Time, so — just cause I’m sure you’re very curious — here’s what I spent my hard-earned, dirty smut money on last night…and what I almost spent my money on: 4 books, 3 fish tacos, one Max Grundy painting, and a raspberry crumb cake.

The four books, in no particular order: 2666 by Roberto Bolaño, Julian Barnes’s Nothing To Be Frightened Of, Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide, and The Album Art of Hipgnosis.

2666 cause everyone’s gushing that it’s a masterpiece, Nothing To Be Frightened Of cause lately I’m obsessed with death; Zombie Movies cause I wanna make one; and it appears the dudes at Hipgnosis designed the cover of just about every record I listened to from, say, 1978 to 1982.

My three fish tacos were dressed nicely with guacamole, sour cream, and pico de gallo.

Should I pull the trigger on a Max Grundy? I find his work oddly compelling. My brother called Basophobia (Fear of Falling) “scary”. It’s one of three I was thinking about, and I liked his take on it. But my brother also thinks Grundy is a Shepard Fairey rip-off, so I dunno. I kinda see what he’s talking about. Anyways, I told the gallery I’ll be back tonight for the opening, and then I’ll make my final decision. And eat some cheese n’ crackers and drink some cheap wine.

Oh, and right before I go to bed, I take a lil’ nite-nite medicine, and I eat a treat, and I listen to what Rachel Maddow has to say, and I wonder if she likes eating pussy as much as I do, and then I go nite-nite; hence, the raspberry crumb cake…but only cause they were sold out of chocolate chip muffins.

Interracial Gang Bangs Score Best!

Chelsea Ray Interracial Gang Bang

Take a look at super-cute Chelsea Rae, stepping out of her underwear before suckin’ and fuckin’ seven well-hung African Americans.

Below her — Chayse Evans — about to do the same.

Go ahead and click on their pics. You’ll find more free pics and movies featuring two of my very favorite porn whores.

A while back, The Producer of the world’s greatest interracial website — Blacks on Blondes — added a new feature to the members’ area. With the click of your mouse, you can rate a scene from 1 – 10. I’m not sure what the criteria for a member’s choice of, say, a “3” versus a “10”, but I’m starting to get a clue.

I think the girls’ looks have something to do with it.

Maybe even the dude in the scene.

Maybe the “pick up”.

The Money Shot plays a role.

But definitely gang bangs.

But lemme back up a sec. I pay attention to the way a member “grades” a scene…for lack of a better term. Why? Well, I value my job, and I get my panties all up in a bunch when a scene I shot scores, say…less than an 8. Not that I’ll lose my job if a girl scores less, but I’ve always cared about my work — whether I was moving poisonous trash from one side of a warehouse to another whilst donning a gas mask (a real job I once had) to selling cars (another real job I’ve had) to bouncing drunks out of a bar (yep, did that, too) to making sure young brokers pass their Series 7 exam (yet another job to add to my resume).

Anyways, it seems that gang bangs are scoring high: the Annette Schwartz gang bang and the Melanie Jagger gang bang are top 5 scenes.

But I’m not a big fan of shooting gang bangs. They’re a lot of work. They’re hard to shoot stills, cause there’s so many dudes on set they seem to be always stepping in front of my umbrellas. And trying to film a group of dudes in a tight circle around a girl while getting their dicks blown doesn’t leave much room for the cameraman.

But the members love them, which means I’ll keep shooting them…cause that’s the way I roll.

Chase Evans Interracial Gang Bang

Watching My Mom Go Black.

Mom Goes Black

No, not my mom.

Not your mom, either.

But the producer called me one day last Spring, and he wanted to talk with me about his “new idea”. Sometimes, when he talks to me about “ideas”, I get a little worried. Not a lot…but a little. I’ve already said this: he’s an evil genius when it comes to creating smut, and I’m the one who winds up casting it, and then turning on the lights, pointing the cameras at the subjects, and burning all this into your memory.

First, it was Spring Thomas — braced-faced barely legal Princess turned black cock slut. The first of its kind in porn. She took Mandingo, Jack Napier, Shane Diesel, Rico Strong, Max Blacck…it just goes on and on.

Ruth Blackwell was next — she converted ordinary white girls to black cock sluts, so why not get impregnated by The Black Man so she could bear his child?

And Wife Writing? Oh, my!

So when The Producer said, “I got an idea”, I was all ears. “I want you to find moms that will do black dudes. But here’s the catch. If these moms are crazy enough to do porn, then they’ll have crazy kids. Hire moms with sons, and force them to watch their moms fuck white girls. Pay whatever it takes to make this happen!”

I asked, “Is this even legal?”

The Producer said, “Just don’t let the moms and sons touch each other!”

Just don’t let the moms and sons touch each other.

I love my job.

“One last thing. Make sure you book a black dude with the biggest cock imaginable. I want the biggest black dick in Los Angeles! I mean huge. Not just big. I want these moms to relive their child birthing experience when they’re fucking!”

It was easy to find my XXXXL black dongs; in fact, I’m willing to make the following statement: Shorty Mac has the world’s fattest penis. If you don’t believe me, just watch some of the movies.

It wasn’t easy to find moms and sons willing to take the job, but when they did, we got it on film.

Janet Mason forced her son to watch as she took Shorty’s monster cock balls deep.

Jordan Blue called it “tough love”.

Kendra Secrets was sick and tired of disciplining her fuck-up of a son…and this scene did the trick. By the end of this, he swore he’d never do wrong by her again.

And me?

Well…I gotta go. The Producer’s on the phone, and he’s got another idea…

Leah Luv Wife Writing

Super Fun E-mails: Y33BA

Your 33 Black Angels

Your 33 Black Angels writes:

Greetings from Brooklyn!

Last year, Your 33 Black Angels released its debut album, “Lonely Street,” to rave reviews, which you may have heard, or most likely, wrote yourself! Thanks!

NOW, the band is back with the release of its second full-length album, “Tales of My Pop-Rock Love Life,” which is available NOW! The double-LP is once again pressed on limited-edition vinyl and comes complete with a hand-printed cover. It is also available on non-limited-edition CD. The official release date is a week from today.

The album can be purchased at independent record stores across the country, or through the band’s website, Y33BA! It is also now available through iTunes, starting today!

Enjoy!

The band recently completed its second national tour of the year, once again going to coast to coast across this wide country. If we didn’t see you, we’ll see you on the next tour! Let us know if you’d like to preview some tracks, some of which can be heard on our myspace.

Most sincerely,

Benji John JR Josh Steve
Your 33 Black Angels

____________________

Last year I gushed all over Y33BA and their debut record, Lonely Street. So when I got this e-mail, I decided to post it right away. The problem is “right away”, cause I think it’s been about a month now, and I’m such a Big Fat Loser I kinda lost track of time with everything I’ve been doing and I spaced posting this…or even writing this reply.

Until now.

I just walked in the door from Thanksgiving with The Peeps.

“The Peeps” would be my parents, not the super fun (and now long defunct) All-GRRRL punk rock band from my hometown — Phoenix AZ.

Speaking of Phoenix, that’s where I went. I did what you did, which was lay around and load up on turkey and watch movies and spend Quality Time with The Peeps.

Oh! I love my Peeps. Know why? They accept me even though I make filthy, dirty smut. I think it’s the one thing I was so very thankful for this year.

I make the world’s best interracial sex movies and my parents are OK with it.

Well, at least to my face. I don’t think they’re 100% cool with it all the time, and sure, my mom wishes I woulda got that mighty fine tenure-track position at the local community college. Sometimes, I wish that, too. Just sometimes. In fact, thinking about it right now, I would just about be tenured.

No, I would be tenured. I think being tenured is just about the silliest thing a teacher can earn, mainly cause they can’t fire your ass — at all. I mean you could just about walk into class naked with a raging boner and start jacking like a monkey in the zoo and sure, that would be your last day in the classroom, but, with a semi-decent lawyer, you’d be reassigned to some bullshit desk job in the middle of nowhere on campus for the rest of your days.

Pretty sweet, huh?

You’re probably not wondering this at all, but I scored the following fine slabs o’ black-as-coal vinyl on Black-As-Coal Black Friday:

1) music from the motion picture Black Snake Moan: I love Black Cock Sluts. Really, I do. I know quite a few of them, too, mostly cause what I do for a living…which is employ them and point a camera at them while they’re doing their thing. Christina Ricci is the penultimate BCS in Black Snake Moan, and this record is pretty damn cool.

2) William S. Burroughs’ Break Through in Grey Room: So it’s 1997, and I’m living in San Francisco, and going to grad school, and selling books on the side to make some extra scratch. I don’t really talk too much about this here, cause it’s none of your business, and it has nothing to do with porn, but here I am blogging about non-porno shit, so might as well tell you this story about a Speed Freak who shows up the day I’m at the Buying Desk with a handful of letter Burroughs wrote to him a decade earlier, when Burroughs was still (somewhat) approachable and not too world famous…yet. Anyways, they were great letters, and I paid the dude $150 for all six, which I sold minutes after he left for $300, and I was patting myself on the back thinking how great I did doubling my money in about a minute and a half. Of course I was The Dope, as the dude I sold them to turned about about got $300 per for them, and now they’d be worth way more than that. I thought about that story when I plopped this record on the counter to pay for it. Oh — it’s pretty cool, too. Some kooky juxtapositions and Burroughs reading over them, and Burroughs just reading. Grab one while you can. I hear they only pressed 800 of these.

3) Fight On, Your Time Ain’t Long: I’ve got a whacky Ex who lives in Portland, OR, a town I love very much. Portland proper. Fuck Gresham, and Beaverton, and all those silly places…but Portland is a great town cause it’s very liberal and very, very non-corporate. Which is to say when I go there me and The Ex eat breakfast at Joe’s Place, drink a beer at Mary’s Place, buy a book at Mike Powell’s place, then watch a movie at one of many, very cool, very hip art houses that sell you pizza by the slice and beer by the mug. Anyways, there’s a cool neighborhood called The Mississippi around a street called — you guessed it — Mississippi Street, and now there’s a label called Mississippi Records out of Portland, Oregon’s own Mississippi neighborhood, right on Mississippi Street, and they’re putting together old, obscure blues compilations with tunes like “Wouldn’t Mind Dying” and “Your Enemy Cannot Harm You” by musicains with names like Bukka White, Mamie Forehand, Willie Mae Morris, Bo Weevil Jackson, and Kid Prince Moore. Doesn’t get much cooler than that, huh?

4) Jimmy Radway & The Fe Me Time All Stars Dub 1 — Pressure Sounds ’61: An impossible-to-locate dub record that was issued around 1975 and is now readily available for less than 20 clams. Not too bad, considering an original copy might set you back a grand. I’m still learning about Roots, and Dub, and Ska, and Rocksteady, and Trojan (the label, not the rubbers), and Prince Buster (what a great porn name for male talent!) and Duke Reid and Coxsone Dodd, so don’t expect much from me here, ok?

Oh! Shit! I almost forgot!! I logged into iTunes and grabbed Tales of My Pop-Rock Love Life by the very talented, very hip Your 33 Black Angels and I fucking dig it. But before I get into that, I kinda owe the band an apology. Last Spring I talked to those guys about playing a gig in my porno studio, and I totally dropped the ball. They were down to do it, and I was down to host it, and then, suddenly, a month past, and I was so caught up in work and shit that I totally spaced their SoCal appearances, and the next thing I know it’s too late.

I’m such a tool box.

One thing I’m not is a music critic, or a music writer. I know what I like, and I like these guys a lot, for a number of reasons, none of which I feel like talking about now, cause a pal just phoned me and said Holly Golightly is playing a gig at Spaceland.

Spaceland is a total dump and the last time I was there — hanging outside before a Frank Black gig with my pal Adrianna — they were so rude to me I swore I’d never return.

But it’s Holly Golightly, and she’s got a new band called The Broke-Offs, and she hardly ever plays the U.S. — at least that I can recall.

Holly used to run around with Billy Childish, for whatever that’s worth; I’m sure if you asked her she’d say something like, “not much.”

I dunno. I should go. I guess it depends on how good these new records are, and whether or not I feel like dealing with the dopes at Spaceland.

Interview with a Porn Star (#55) — Andi Anderson

Andi Anderson interview

I Shoot Porn: Remember the first time we met on my set? In hardly no time at all we were doing it. And you let me blast in your butt! How come you let me cream pie your ass?

Andi Anderson: I do what I want. Cause I was in the mood. I felt like it. The time was right. I thought it would be a good ice breaker, too.

ISP: Do you often use anal sex as an ice breaker?

AA: Hmm. Do I? No. Just has to be the right mood.

The Minion: Should anal sex replace the handshake?

AA: If it’s the right guy, and the right time, and the right mood!

ISP: Wanna talk about the time you blew me in the parking lot outside of of Cheese Cake Factory after dinner?

AA: That was so hot. I love doing dirty things in public. I’m an exhibitionist.

ISP: I don’t like talking about my sex life, cause it makes me sound like a braggart.

AA: No it doesn’t.

ISP: Do you have a lot of sex with strangers?

AA: Nope. I like it to be the same person. It makes things better that way.

ISP: Were you a slut growing up?

AA: Starting my junior year in high school. But before that I was always fucking horny. But I was too much of a goodie-goodie to be a slut.

ISP: What was the catalyst to slutdom?

AA: I was in AP classes. I was in band, and I was working hard to get band scholarships. And academic ones, too. I wanted eventually go to med school. Then, I went to Hawaii. I got really tan, and I got blonde highlights, and all of a sudden, when I came back to school, I had all sorts of attention! I loved the attention, so I thought fuck school! I’ll just be a slut!

ISP: What instrument did you play?

AA: Piano since kindergarten. Then Alto Sax and clarinet.

ISP: Do you like John Coltrane?

AA: Who’s that?

ISP: What’s the sluttiest thing you ever did in high school?

AA: How much time do you have? I had sex on a snow board trip on the back of the bus. I had sex in the football locker room. I had sex on the school dance floor.

ISP: Ever do a gang bang in high school?

AA: Not in high school but right after. Like 2 weeks after graduation. I did four guys, but that’s not really a gang bang.

ISP: How do you define a gang bang?

AA: 12 or more. Isn’t that true?

ISP: I don’t know the strict definition of a gang bang. I’m not sure Noah Webster ever covered that term. Tell me about the 4 guy thing.

AA: Actually, I liked to take guys’ virginity in high school. Made me feel very much in control. I’d be the first girl to have sex with them. I’m a big control freak. Anyways, the second a dude told me he was a virgin, I’d do him.

ISP: Did you keep count of your virgins?

AA: I didn’t. I don’t keep count. I don’t recall how many guys I had sex with in high school.

ISP: How did you find your way into porn?

AA: SexyJobs. I was bored going to school and working really hard. You know what did it? I was dating this guy from the gym, and he invited me to Disney Land with his family, and I said no, cause I had to work. I was really serious about my job, and I was really uptight. So when he left without me, I got pissed, and I thought to myself what am I doing with my life? I’m stuck in an office working really hard and going to college. I joined Sexy Jobs and Terry and Jen from Seymour Butt’s talent agency called me and next thing you know I was at Erotica 2006, and the following Monday I was in Breakin’ ‘Em In #11 for Vince Vouyer. It was my first scene, and it was an anal scene.

ISP: Were you doing anal in your private life at that point in time?

AA: Yea, but only with one person.

ISP: What can’t I book you for?

AA: Nothing. There’s nothing I won’t do.

ISP: So I can book you for blowing a horse?

AA: Yes.

ISP: Can I book you for a 100 man bukakke?

AA: I actually do want to do that.

ISP: Would you do The Minion?

AA: Yes.

ISP: Would you blow a bum on the side of the road?

AA: Yea. As long as his wiener is clean. I’d have to see it first.

ISP: Pee movie?

AA: Yes.

ISP: Poop?

AA: Yea, just don’t poop near my mouth. Do you know how many times I’ve shit my pants from doing anal? And any girl who says she hasn’t is lying.

ISP: Where’s the whackiest place you dumped your drawers?

AA: El Torito’s parking lot.

The Minion: Before or after the buffet?

AA: I had to throw away a really expensive pair of Guess jeans cause of that.

ISP: Where did you throw ’em?

AA: In the parking lot. Out my car window. And then I drove away.

ISP: Are you ever afraid to fart cause you might poo yourself?

AA: No. If it happens, oh well!

ISP: I love this interview.

AA: Me too.

ISP: Let’s finish up here really quick, cause we gotta go shoot your Eat Some Ass movie. Anything you want to end on?

AA: I wanna move back home and finish college. I want to get my degree. I wanna be an RN. I want a normal job soon, back home, hopefully in a hospital. Then I’d come down and shoot a scene every once in a while just so I can get some cock. Get laid.

ISP: Anything else?

AA: Let’s go eat some ass.

Andi Anderson interview

Synecdoche, New York.

Synecdoche New York

Synecdoche: syn⋅ec⋅do⋅che. Pronunciation [si-nek-duh-kee] –noun Rhetoric. A figure of speech in which a part is used for the whole (as hand for sailor), the whole for a part (as the law for police officer), the specific for the general (as cutthroat for assassin), the general for the specific (as thief for pickpocket), or the material for the thing made from it (as steel for sword).

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: funny how time works. One day it’s the 14th of November, and then you wake up and it’s the 20th, and I think — where did all that time go?

One day I wake up and I’m 24…and the next day I wake up and I’m 44, and I think — where did all that time go?

I haven’t blogged since the 20th, when I found out Mitch Mitchell died, and here it is, almost a week later, and I’ve got nothing much to say.

And those days passed like moments…

Oh sure, I could write about kooky porn girls and the even kookier porn dudes. I could write about Manojobs and glory holes and dick suckers, but you’re already familiar with that territory.

Or, I could talk about the great film I saw, so here goes:

I shelled out 11 clams (well, $22, cause I paid for my pal’s ticket) to see Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York. He’s the dude who wrote Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind — both of which I liked.

Here’s the funny part — by the middle of it, I thought Synecdoche, New York was a dog turd, and I was about to totally start hating on it, and I looked over at my friend and gave her the “If This Doesn’t Get Any Better In About 3 Minutes I’m Asking For My Money Back” eye…and then, sure enough, BAM.

The first time ever for such a 180 degree turn right in the middle of a flick.

How about that?

I’m serious — I was about to get up and walk out, but I gave Charlie Kaufman a few more minutes, and I’m really glad I did, cause by the end of that movie I was totally blown away.

If you decide to take Kaufman’s challenge — cause this is a dense, complex, surreal film where plot and linear time movement aren’t tops on Kaufman’s list of rules to adhere to — you’ll be super happy you did.

Or, you won’t get it, and you’ll disregard any future film advice I have for you…and that’s that.

Oh, by the way, Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays a hypochondriac playwright who’s married to a woman who paints miniature portraits. He wins a MacArthur genius grant about the same time his wife becomes recognized by the art world. She leaves him and takes their child to Berlin, Germany, where she becomes internationally famous, and he takes his grant money and begins work on his masterpiece.

And that’s when all the fun begins.