Super Fun E-Mails: “The First Step from Annette Schwartz to Annette Watson”
Z. writes:
If you really want to learn German, i feel the need, to help you. If you really want to marry Annette Schwartz, you should definitly learn German.
Try this: “Annette, deine Augen haben die Farbe eines Bergsees”
That means something like: “Annette, your eyes have the color of a lake in the mountains”. Maybe thats a little too greasy and this would never be a pick-up line in one of your films, but maybe you are going to loose contact to real-life, ’cause someone who’s friend can’t join him on a trip to flea market ’cause she has to clean her butt before doing an anal-scene, might be on a highway straight to loosing contact to real-life.
Now this could be the perfect time to discuss what is more real-life: a porn flic or some Jessica Biel movie. That’s another story….
You may ask, why i want to help you. It’s easy. Reading your blog makes me laugh. You brighten my day, thats why it is the least for me to help you marry Annette Schwartz. And, as long as you are going to marry Anette Schwartz, i could marry Spring Thomas.
Your pal,
Z.
BTW: Don’t mention Kraftwerk. It might be the only German band known in the USA, but nobody never ever hears them here in Europe. Never.
————————————————————————————————-
Z:
A long time ago I had a black light in my bedroom — along with black light posters, hanging on the wall. Some of you might not know about The Power of The Black Light, but I do. Oh! I know!
Whenever I had a girl come over, and I knew my parents were asleep for the night, I’d kill the regular lights and flip the switch: suddenly, there was this purple-ish hue to the room, and it would get very dark (but still there was enough light to see) and my black light posters would come alive.
The posters! Usually tigers in jungles, Bruce Lee, or my favorite bands at the time: Zep, Floyd, and Aerosmith.
Under that Purple Glow o’ Love, I’d drop the needle on the record. And it was very important to choose only the most righteous of music when The Black Light powered on; mood was necessity, and it had to be just right.
Most of the time it was Pink Floyd (“Dark Side…” or “Wish You Were Here”). Sometimes Zep III (only side 2). On rare instances, (*gasp!*), Genesis — but hey, gimme a break — it was only ever “The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway”.
Well, only Genesis when Peter Gabriel was on the mic.
Oh! How could I forget Kraftwerk’s “Autobahn”.
So watch it, Z, cause I got my fair share of sloppy handjobs while enjoying that record, and, since the whole first side was one song (over 20 minutes long, too!), by the end of it — if I played my cards right — there’d be a gooey load all over my tummy and my gal would be tip-toeing it into my bathroom to get a warm washcloth in order to cleanse my loins.
Then, side 2!
Lastly, I don’t wanna marry Annette anymore. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still ausgeflippt over her, but I just happen to know she’s been cheating on me with an Italian, and I caught that silly minx red-handed.
Which means I’m back to being Lonely Guy Searchin’ For Luv.
Those Kooky Japs Are At It Again.
My pal Noah is really into Jap Porn. But before I go any further, let me make one thing clear: I love the Japs, and I am not a racist. And I love them so much I often refer to them as “Japs” and sometimes “Nips”, but never as “Slants” nor “Yellows”.
I never really figured out why White Boys go berserk over Asians, but some of my friends definitely suffer from Yellow Fever. One of which — the dude I have refered to as “The Actor” — loved them so much that, after a while, I had to quit hanging out with him. For example, we’d be in the middle of a conversation and a cute one would walk by us and, in mid-sentence, he’d leap up and run to her and use all his might to make that Little Nip his.
I think it’s all about size and submission…in that order.
Back to Noah: he sends me whacky Jap Porn titles all the time, and I laugh my ass off at them. Of course the big part of the hi-jinks is simply translating the titles, and my favorites have been “Big Breasts Convenience Store”, “Street Corner Amateurs Are Embarrassed Trying To Identifying Boyfriend’s Penis”, “Like A Cold Wind Rubbing Continuously Rubbing The Penis Head After Ejaculation, Penis Persecution Hand Job Part 5”, and “Mega Chin, Satisfaction From Seeing Her Slapped By A Penis”, and “Just As I Thought! You Can Borrow Cute Girls At The Rental Shop, Part 2”.
If that isn’t kooky enough for ya, according to Time / CNN, there’s a 74 year old male pornstar — Shigeo Tokuda — who starting banging chicks in front of a camera when he was 60, and it appears he’s at the apex of his porndom.
Do you think all that fucking keeps Shigeo chipper and spry?
Oh, and guess what? Shigeo Tokuda’s wife and kids has no idea what he does. 14 years. 300+ movies. And he’s living The Lie…like so many of us in this crazy business do.
Porn’s huge in Japan. Is it that surprising that the popularity of smut in a country that, according to the article from Time / CNN is, “in surveys conducted by organizations ranging from the World Health Organization (WHO) to the condom-maker Durex….repeatedly found to be one of the most sexless societies in the industrialized world. A WHO report released in March found that 1 in 4 married couples in Japan had not made love in the previous year, while 38% of couples in their 50s no longer have sex at all. Those figures were attributed to the stresses of Japanese working life. Yet at the same time, the country has seen a surge in demand for pornography that has turned adult videos into a billion-dollar industry, with “elder porn” one of its fastest-growing genres.”
I wish I had a clever comment about that — or something witty — but I don’t.
I just find it all very funny.
Now if I could just find the rental shop that lends out cute girls.
I’m Voting Republican!
Cat Butt.
M. Night Shyamalan Owes Me 28 Bucks.
It’s bad enough that Arclight Cinema in Hollywood charges $14 to see a movie ($11 on the weekdays!), but to pay even one fucking dollar to sit through “The Happening” is way too much.
On the way out, a woman tried to justify this piece of shit by saying, “everyone compares everything M. Night makes to ‘The Sixth Sense!'”
“It’s not even about that,” I said. “This movie was simply awful. What did you like about it?”
“The relationship between Mark Wahlberg and his wife.”
“Did you hear the people boo when the movie ended?” I asked.
She nodded.
“When was the last time you were in a movie and that happened?”
She couldn’t remember it ever happening; neither do I.
In case you don’t know, The Plants are pissed, cause we don’t pay attention to the environment, and we’ve scared all the bees away, so the plants dump “toxins” into the air, which make people suddenly commit suicide in all sorts of crazy ways.
Somehow The Plants can communicate with The Wind, so whenever The Wind blows, you know it’s time for M. Knight to show off all the gratuitous violence in his “first R rated movie”.
Did I mention that only the plants in New England — where Mark Wahlberg’s character lived — were pissed enough to do this, and apparently they liked Mark, and his wife, and a little girl they rescue enough to leave all three of them alone…even when people are offing themselves left and right.
And after 24 hours (or so) The Plants proved their point enough to stop making people commit hara-kiri…until a few months later, when The Plants in Paris, France, get fed up and start doing the same thing.
I wish The Plants would make M. Knight jump off a building, but not before that fucker gives me my money back…cause the theater refused.
Paul’s Big Mistake?
From a recent GFY Post:
Do the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce: after 5 years of marriage, Paul shelled out about $49 million dollars. Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (married men will be the first to admit that doesn’t happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay — not counting attorney’s fees and court costs.
Elliot Spitzer’s call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. As you’ll soon see, a bargain.
If McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would’ve paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million) .
Value-added benefits include a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or ‘to do’ lists. Best of all, she leaves when you’re done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round.
Is it just me, or is Kristen the better deal?
———————————————–
To Which I Add:
My stockbroker pal always called whores a “value”, and, on some level, he’s right…right?
There’s also no price tag for true love…even when it goes awry…right…right!?
And besides, Paul will probably get it all back once they release Beatles music on iTunes and Rhapsody…right?
Right.
This Week’s Porno Fun!
The Dick Suckers: Nicole Ray seems to be The Next Big Deal, if — and only if — things go right. This is a loaded statement, of course, and there’s things in her control, and a lot of things out of her control. But she’s as hot as Bree Olson, and Sasha Gray…at least I think so. She was quite a dick sucker, too, and didn’t dodge the money shot. That’s saying a lot for an 18 year old.
Blacks On Blondes: Samantha Sinn is out at the beach when she walks by three brothas. That pretty much sums it up, right? I mean do I have to really tell you what happens next? That the brothas take her back to her place? And rail her? Taking turns? And one blows his load deep inside her…even after she told them she’s not on the pill?
Manojob: The world’s greatest handjob site features filthy-mouthed Ricki White and her beautiful fingernails being stuck inside our stunt cock’s pee-hole. I blogged about the pee-hole last week, and since I blogged about it, I had our stunt cock take some pee-hole action, and guess what? He kinda liked it. Kinda.
Eat Some Ass: Jaclyn Case is this week’s butt muncher. She loves the taste of man ass, and, in case you don’t know who she is…Jaclyn is a true college student who takes student vacations and summers to star in dirty movies, which means no student loans! Shit, I’m 50K in the hole with students loans. Maybe I shoulda been a porn star. Problem is, no one woulda hired me for straight porn, and No Way Am I Gay.
Chelci Fox: In her words — “Howdy Y’all! Hope you’re having a great day! I know I am!! Wait till you see what I do today! I got a new toy! I guess you could call today “Sexy Day”! Cause it’s a sexy day, that’s for sure! Anyways, I get naked. My cameraman loves my boobs…what do you guys think? I’m all about “more than a handful is a waste”! HAHAH. Oh, I’m not wearing any panties!! Wanna have a sleepover?? I’m such a dork! Let’s move on!! I’ve got a little gold buzzer toy, and oh boy do I love him! He’s like a treat! And today you get to watch me work my pink pussy with it. Him. Whatever! I also rub it all over my nipples, which is a total turn on! And wait till you see me turn this toy on to its full power! MY GAWD! Like I said…a real treat! But nothing — and I mean nothing — can beat a man! XOXO – Chelci”
Ruth Blackwell: They call her “Teensy Weensy”. I’m not talking about Ruth, either. It’s all about this week’s girl, Lexi Leigh, who’s about 4′ 10″ and weighs about 90 pounds. The black dick she takes is almost as big as her.
Gloryhole-Initiations: Maliah Milan is, by far, one of the hottest black girls ever to step up to the plate. Er, The Hole. She bends over on it, too…which was a big surprise.
Katie Thomas: 1/2 of the world famous BBC-only sisterhood, this week we find Katie making out with a black guy outside a party. They’re in an alley, and no one’s around…so why not blow him? And if you’re gonna blow him in public, why not fuck him in public? Next thing you know, Katie’s in a public restroom getting railed by a XXXL black wee wee.
Gloryhole: Newcummer Jada Stevens has no problem walking into a public toilet to see what comes through the hole. By the time she’s naked, something comes through the hole alright…one of the biggest, blackest dicks she’s ever seen. It’s surprising to see how turned on girls can get doing something very “naughty”.
Super Fun E-Mails: I Wanna Be A Porn Star!
CC writes:
My name is CC. I’m a 5’2 strawberry blonde danish girl, aged 21 years (I was born january 1st 1987). I currently live in Copenhagen, Denmark working as a receptionist. I’ve always been very open-minded, outgoing and – let’s face it – plain old horny, when it comes to meeting and enjoying handsome, and especially well endowed guys. I started experimenting with sex at age 12-13, and had my first real sexual debut (lost my virginity) when I was 14. Since then I’ve been ‘around the block’ – I have dated lots of gorgeous and handsome guys, many of which really knowing how to treat a lady right, but I’ve also come accross some who turned out to be wimps, affraid of my sexuality, and the expectations I have when having sex.
Since I regularly enjoy watching porn, and – if I may say so – is quite a ‘hottie’ myself, the thought often has occured to me: Why not combine pleasure with business, and try being an adult model. Well know I’m taking the plunge !
I have attached some personal (softcore+hardcore) photos of me, so you can evaluate my looks and performance.
I would definately like to do hardcore, and preferably work with guys who has stamina, sense of humour, and most importantly large, hard cocks. If it’s possible I would prefer working with black guys.
My “sexual CV” looks as follows:
1998-99: First experiences with masturbation, oral sex (1 girl), and blowjobs (3-4 guys).
1991: First sexual intercourse. Tried missionary, 69.
1992-2004: Extended my sexual experience (appr. 50 guys). Tried anal, threesome (GGB and BBG), facials.
2005-present: Acknowledged my unusual sexual drive and started living according to that: Joined a swingers club, tried group sex/orgies, deep throating, DP, cum swallowing.
I really hope you will consider hiring me, as I am convinced I can make a great appearance in adult movies – acting naturally and living out my sexual dreams and desires 😉
hugs and kisses,
CC
PS: I’ve been thinking about a proper stage name for me – I think “Oral Winfrey” sounds nice and funny 😉
—————————————————————-
CC —
My Lord. Good gracious. I just furiously masturbated to your sexual resume, and now, with goo running down my stomach, I’m quite ashamed of myself.
But that’s how it usually works, right?
Anyways — if these pics are really you, I’d say you got a pretty decent shot at making some dirty movies. I’ve also answered these types of e-mails in the past, meaning hot girls looking for work in Porno Land.
There’s a few things that caught my attention with your e-mail, though…and need to be addressed:
“I’ve always been very open-minded, outgoing and – let’s face it – plain old horny, when it comes to meeting and enjoying handsome, and especially well endowed guys.”
Your use of the word “handsome” has me a bit worried. Most of the dudes in porn — while being well-endowed — are far from being handsome. Some might just plain gross you out. I won’t mention any names here, except Dirty Harry, Arnold Schwarzenpecker, Mike Hash, Suave XXX, Chris Charming, Tony T., Tone Capone, Ben English, James Bartholet, Joe Rock, Seth Dickens, Kevin Kline, Frank Wank, Dick Nasty, Rod Fontana, Scott Lyons, Dave Hardman, Brandon Iron, Juan Cuba, Mr. Pete, Steve Holmes, John Strong, Otto Bauer, Faceblaster, Regan Sentar, Mark Zane, Robbie James, Joel Lawrence, Trent Soleri, Dino Bravo, Jenner, Barry Scott, Donny Long, Johnny Thrust, Steven French, Rodney Moore…
Oh man, am I in trouble now or what?
Actually, a lot of the dudes on this list are good friends, and I’m not shit talking them at all. I’m just making a point — if you’re getting into the adult biz to fuck Brad Pitt-types, then don’t. Most are just average dudes with big dicks. As a new comer, you’ll have almost no say-so as to who you will fuck; you’ll simply be presented a job, and at that time you’ll have the opportunity to say yes…or no.
While the name “Oral Winfrey” is pretty funny, I’d advise against it, cause that would be a black girl’s name, right?
I might want to add you’re not applying for a position in a Fortune 500 company. Which is to say, while the sexual resume is cute, it certainly isn’t required. It made for good stroke fodder, but you’re about to embark in a career in which the sole criteria will be your looks…and trust me, you’re in.
Finally, your biggest stumbling block is gonna be the 2257 issue. If you want to come to America to star in dirty movies, you’ll need an American ID.
There’s some states that you’d have a pretty easy time getting an ID card. Do that, and then I’ll line you up for it all: Blacks On Blondes, Manojob, Gloryhole, The Dick Suckers…and more.
In the meantime, we’ll have to work on some of your skillz. I mean I can’t just shoot you, unless I know you can effectively pull off doggy style, cow girl, and spoons. I’ll also have to make sure your oral skillz are OK, too. I think your best bet here is to plan a weekend with me, and I’ll gladly help you with your skillz…to pay the billz.
Your pal — Billy
PS: Please, you silly motherfucking dudes, DO NOT E-MAIL ME ASKING FOR WORK.
Again, if you’re a dude, do not contact me. Instead, I’m going to do you a big favor: there’s a secret phone number — 818 – 709 – 4452 — and it’s a real number, and you can call it anytime.
It’s your big chance!
Now carry on.
