Nothing To Do With Porn

A Few of My Favorite Things, Lately.

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Annette Schwartz

I took the day off from making smut today, and I gotta tell ya, I needed it. I think I’ve shot 25 scenes in the last 2 weeks, and I’m so burnt out I can’t even think straight. Ask anyone who’s hung around me lately.

I did some of my very favorite things today: first, I slept in. On a scale of 1 – 10, sleeping in scores a 9.5.

Then I went to my very favorite coffee shop and enjoyed a super-yummy latte with my very favorite friend Adrianna Nicole. We go here often, and every time we’re there we love to gossip and gossip and gossip, mostly about the porn industry. Today’s topic was Sasha Grey and her new “agency’, which, we feel, is nothing more than way to find her boyfriend a job. On a scale of 1 – 10, gossiping scores an 8; gossiping about Sasha Grey scores closer to a 9.

After coffee is was on to The Flea Market. I fucking love flea markets. If I could, I’d marry one. Why not? I invited Adrianna to go, but she had an anal scene today, and it takes her a mighty long time to clean her ass correctly so no doodie winds up on the floor. On a scale of 1 – 10, flea markets pull a “Nadia Comăneci” — a perfect 10.

Here’s a list of my scores today: Michael Kirby’s book “Happenings” about the NYC art scene circa 1966; a 10″ x 13″ original black and white photo of Ringo Starr and Peter Sellers from The Magic Christian; three LP records — The Box Tops’ “Non Stop”, Miles Davis’s “Sketches of Spain” (an original issue Columbia Six-Eye), and a very minty copy of “The Batman Theme as played by The Markets”; and three super-kooky “hip-pocket” records from The Doors, Van Morrison , and The Fallen Angels; and finally, 100 slides I found in the bottom of a box from a 1961 family vacation to Mount Shasta.

I got it all for about 60 bucks. Not a bad day!

While I’m spouting off on shit I really dig, here’s a few of my favorite things, lately:

Michel Gondry: this dude is a fucking genius. I mean that. He’s 2008’s Picasso, James Joyce, and Kubrick all rolled up into one. People will discuss his work 100 years from now. He’s so talented it makes me sick. I don’t care if it’s a Levi’s ad, or a Weezer video, or one of his “stories”, no one makes better movies than Michel. Not even me. Here’s a YouTube of My Favorite Director In The Whole Wide World solving a Rubik’s cube with his nose.

Beulah: a couple dudes who worked in a mail room in San Francisco around 1995 started a band. I wish I woulda known it back then, when I lived there. I’ve listed to “Yoko” more times than I want to admit.

A Langer’s #19 Special: Pastrami, swiss, and slaw with Russian Style Dressing. It’s the best meat I’ve ever put in my mouth, and that’s saying a lot. And whatever you’re thinking right now, No Way Am I Gay.

Annette Schwartz: I want to make Annette my wife. I want to move to Munich and eat bratwurst and drink beer with Annette. I want Annette to teach me German just so I can coo sweet nothings in her ear while we make beautiful music. I want to hold hands with Annette and stroll the grounds of the Nymphenburg Castle while we discuss the names of our future children. I’m gonna write all sorts of love poems and send them to Annette so she dumps her current dude for me. I’m gonna call my mom and have her talk to Annette so Annette herself can break the news: I’m moving to Germany to be Annette Schwartz’s love slave.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, random raves

Me N’ Tia Ling

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Tia Ling

God damnit I love Tia Ling.

Really, I do.

It’s not often that I drop to one knee and pucker up to kiss a little ass. I dunno if my lust for Tia is founded on both of us being Arizona State Sun Devils, or that she’s a super freaky Asian Kitten with over-stuffed mammary glands who loves to suck and fuck.

Actually, it’s a little bit of both.

I first shot Ms. Ling a few years back for the world’s greatest interracial website, Blacks on Blondes. Here’s some free Tia Ling movies I shot that very day. I don’t recall, but I think my homies Ace and Lefty ended up giving Tia a size 10 poop chute after it was all said and done. Here’s free Tia Ling interracial sex pictures I snapped.

Like I said, I shot this a few years back. Afterwards, Tia fell off the face of the Earth. This is common; I thought she had retired. Little did I know she was working on TiaLing.com.

She resurfaced just recently, and when I found out, I immediately booked her for Manojob and TheDickSuckers. Her Manojob scene is live on the site; Tia Ling’s TheDickSuckers.com scene will be up March 16.

I still haven’t washed my face since I smooched that beautiful yellow ass.

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, Super Fun E-mails, Whatever Happened to Her?

Super Fun E-Mails: “The Wonderous Jenni Lee”

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Jenni Lee Jenny Lee

JJ From Da UK writes:

Dear Mr Billy, Sir,

What can you tell your devoted readers (this one anyway) of the wondrous Jenny Lee? I think you’ve shot her a coupla times. Share, please…

—————

Dear JJ From Da UK, Sir,

I’ve been criticized a bit for my blog; specifically, I Shoot Porn takes the “fantasy” out of porn, and that I should just keep my mouth shut when it comes to things like talking about the girls.

I disagree.

Insightful tidbits, like what I’m about to lay upon you, are an Aid To Whacking, and they should be wholeheartedly embraced. With that said, I’ll tell you this: like most porn whores, Jenni’s about as kooky as they come.

If you follow the chat boards, you probably know Jenni’s a mainstream model, and she’s got a website up under her real name, but I’m not gonna post that here. Like I said…if you read any chat boards, you already know about her mainstream site — or you’ll soon discover it.

The first time Jenni swung by my studio to make a dirty movie, it was for The Dick Suckers. Here’s some free blowjob pictures featuring Jenni from that shoot. She wasn’t too kooky that day, but she did end up being a “cum dodger”.

Time to digress: cum dodgers are exactly that. They know they’re gonna get a face full of jizz, and they don’t like it…not one bit. Sometimes they’re obvious; sometimes they’re not. Take a look at the bottom pic of Jenni doing her best to dodge The Stunt Cock’s XXXL sized load. That’s an obvious cum dodge. The Not-So-Obvious cum dodgers will do things like raise themselves up higher than the spurting cock, in an effort to catch the load on the chin, neck, and tits…instead of the face.

I hate cum dodgers, which doesn’t mean I hate Jenni Lee; in fact, I like Jenni. So much so I booked her again, this time for a manojob. She’s on the red sofa, about to jerk a wiener. Look at her ass! Jenni Lee gave a superb Manojob, and she didn’t really try and dodge this time. Score 10 more points for Manojob.

I haven’t really talked too much about Mr. POV, but now’s as good a time as any. This dude is another kook, but he’s cool. He’s a fan of my blog. He’s a porno fan. Super Porno Fan. So much so he’s started his own gig. He’s probably e-mailed me 100 times, asking all sort of questions about everything that is porn. Next thing you know, he’s shooting his own scenes and selling them to me (among other places). He’s even got his own blog. Anyway, he’s a big Jenni Lee fan, and he ended up shooting her, and I ended up buying the scene from him. Here’s Mister POV and Jenni Lee.

Jenni came back a few more times to my studio, and each time she seemed more and more detached from porn. It was all about a paycheck for her, and hey…what can I say except oh well. First, it was Manojob, and then came the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen a porn whore do.

I booked Jenni Lee to eat some ass. She showed up on time, had her make-up done, and walked on set. And the minute she walked on set she started speaking in an English accent. No heads up. No warning.

Top o’ the mornin’ to you, mate! Where are the kippers and tea?

I shit you not.

Oh Crikey! Never mind the bullocks. There’s nothing more I love than crumpets and Shepard’s Pie!

“Um, Jenni. Are you OK?”

Of course I am, Mate! Care for a fag?

I’ve been on set once or twice when the girls disassociate themselves from whatever it is they’re doing that they don’t like. I could never figure this out, really. No one’s holding a gun to anyone’s head, no matter what Linda Lovelace said. These girls are here to do a job they’ve agreed to do. Maybe it’s like getting on the jumbo roller coaster ride, and you don’t think you want off until you’re at the top, strapped into the little roller coaster car, and there’s no turning back. Maybe Jenni’s English accent was her way to remove herself from the task at hand, which in this specific case, was eating a man’s bung hole.

I have no idea.

I shoulda just told her to knock off the bullshit, but I found it somewhat amusing, and totally fucking weird, so I rolled with it for a while, but then it got boring, and I finally told her to knock it off.

My mistake. I shoulda never let the camera roll with that silly accent. My saving grace was The Stunt Cock’s tremendous pop shot. Easily one of the biggest I’ve had the pleasure to capture for eternity’s sake. Peter Northian in both size and stature.

There was no dodging for Jenni this time. She was between the sofa and The Stunt Cock, and man, did she get plastered. She didn’t like it one bit.

A porn whore not liking (or taking) a load to the face is a lot like a race car driver who doesn’t like to drive fast.

After the English Accent Incident, I had my fill of Jenni, and apparently she’s had her fill of porn, too. She’s no longer bookable.

Until she runs out of money.

Jenni Lee Jenny Lee

Candy Monroe, Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star, stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

Introducing Candy Monroe

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Candy Monroe

It all started as a blowbang.

A blowbang is a lot like a gangbang, except the porn whore is suckin’ — not fuckin’ — lots and lots of wieners.

Let me back up.

Spring Thomas found a friend. Her name was Candy. Candy wanted to be like Spring. Lots of girls wanted to be Spring, and they’d e-mail her, and most of them weren’t serious…and some were.

Candy was serious.

In order to prove it, Spring invited her on set to blow 10 black men while Spring fucked one of them…a test, so to speak. Spring said something like, “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be there to help. But if you want your own site, we need to know if you’re worthy.”

Strong words from a strong girl.

Candy mastered Spring’s test…on her first try. Do I need to tell you the black dudes turned both of them into cum targets? And they fired with 100% accuracy? Or that, by the end, they were both a filthy, dirty mess?

The end result: Candy Monroe was worthy.

When we huddled up with Candy to talk about her site, Candy made it perfectly clear: in addition to servicing Black Dick only, she requested that puny white boys be on set with her. Not only would the puny white boy be humiliated on set, but, in the end…all white boys would be forced to clean Candy up.

Including her real-life boyfriends.

With their tongues.

Whether they liked it…or not.

Strong words from a strong girl.

And so it came to be — Candy Monroe.com. Candy’s got her own unique personality, and we didn’t stop that while rolling tape. We didn’t even try to alter it. Or shape her in any way. I didn’t script one of these scenes…who could? Candy would walk on set and make the calls. I just held the camera.

Candy would bark out to her white cuckolds, “play with your Man-Gina!” or “I’ve seen clits bigger than that!” all while working black dicks that ranged from 9 to 12 inches in length.

You’re either gonna love this…or hate it.

I find these scenes highly disturbing.

Be warned.

Candy Monroe

Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#41) — Sarah Shine

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Sarah Shine

I Shoot Porn: How long have you been a porn whore?

Sarah Shine: About a week and a half.

ISP: So no one really knows who you are.

SS: No…not really. Except for my fans on myspace.

ISP: I see your myspace is actually called “aspiring porn whore”. That’s pretty funny.

SS: Yea, I’ve been wanting to be in porn since I was 15. I watched a lot of porn. A lot of the actresses are fun to watch, but others are kinda boring. I want to bring something nice to this industry.

ISP: Not a lot of 18 year olds say that. In fact, the last two I remember talking like that were Bree Olson and Sasha Grey.

SS: I don’t like one of those two…but I won’t say which one.

ISP: Um, ok. Why?

SS: Her moaning is totally fake.

ISP: I just shot you for Manojob, and when you came on the magic wand, I’m thinking it was 100% real.

SS: (laughs) Cause it was.

[Billy’s note: we also shot Sarah Shine for TheDickSuckers.com]

ISP: Before you got into porn, were you a teen slut?

SS: I wouldn’t say a slut. With my boyfriends I was their little whore, but I didn’t get around a whole lot.

ISP: What’s the craziest sex act you ever did growing up?

SS: Um…lemme think. Well, me and four of my girlfriends had a really great time with my boyfriend. That’s all I can say.

ISP: Huh?! Tell me more!!!

SS: It got a little wild for him, I guess. He ended up getting tied up. He was tied up and we teased him. We grabbed his dick and jerked it a bit…but not to get him off. Then, finally, once we were done teasing him, we untied him and took turns fucking him.

ISP: And he lasted?

SS: Well, we didn’t really take turns. We were all over him. Fucking him, sucking his dick and balls.

ISP: And he lasted?

SS: He lasted a while, yea. When he shot his load it was enormous. He went across all four faces and messed them all up! It was fun. It was crazy.

ISP: How old were you then?

SS: It was a few months ago, when I was 17.

ISP: That’s right. You just turned 18!

SS: In December.

ISP: In fact, we share the same exact birthday!

SS: Well, except for the year. (She laughs at me).

ISP: Fuck you. I hate getting old.

SS: I know you wanna fuck me cause you’re old.

ISP: I haven’t banged and 18 year old since I was 18. What was high school like for you? Awesome? Total shit?

SS: In between. I had friends, but a lot of the girls called me a slut. They were all sluts, so they called me a slut cause I was only fucking my boyfriend. In reality, they were fucking everybody.

ISP: Damnit. Why didn’t I grow up now? There weren’t any real sluts when I was 18.

SS: Oh well. I guess too bad for you.

ISP: Where ya from?

SS: Stockton California. It’s a pretty boring town. It’s about the same size as Fresno, and bowling or the movies is about the only thing to do there. Kinda sad, huh?

ISP: Not really. It’s normal kid stuff. I grew up with kegs in the middle of the desert. That’s where we drank and did naughty things. Where did you guys fuck and suck?

SS: Anywhere. People would go out on boats on the Delta. We’d do it there.

ISP: What was your first scene?

SS: I worked for Vivid. “Brand New Faces”. I did a boy/girl. I worked with…um…something Johnson. Chris Johnson. I think. He was a new guy, too.

ISP: How’d you like it.

SS: It was great! I came!

ISP: Where did he blow his load?

SS: I got a facial.

ISP: You like it when a dude unloads all over your kisser?

SS: Fuck yea! I love it. Off camera, even. I like anything nasty. Anal. Multiple guys. I swallow. I like to drink cum. Like Cum Drinkers. Ever see that porn? More than one guy will cum in a cup, and the whore drinks it all up. I love that.

ISP: My goodness…you are dirty.

SS: Ahh…well. I mean, I’m supposed to be. I’m a teenager. Aren’t they supposed to be dirty?

ISP: So what’s your damage?

SS: I wasn’t abused as a kid, or on drugs. I watched a lot of porn, and I love it, and I’d like to be the next big thing.

ISP: You know the way to the top is through my cock.

SS: Well, I guess I’m gonna have to go there. Can I have the directions, please?

Sarah Shine

You Tube Flicks

Bio Slime

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Trapped in a room with only one door and no windows. Their cell phones do not work and no one outside of the building can hear their calls for help. The group of seven people is under siege as the shape shifting creature tries to seep inside.

They made a movie in a porno studio!

My porno studio!

How fucking cool is that?

Here’s the official Bio Slime page; here’s the Bio Slime myspace.

When Bio Slime hits the market, you gotta grab one, especially since Gia Paloma got a role in it! I don’t want to give a lot away, but she’s a make-up artist that gets hit with Slime, turns into a creature, gets cut in half, and goes on a rampage…kinda like her real-life antics!

Check the myspace page for more pics of your very favorite porn star of all time (and mine, too) — Gia Paloma.

random rants, Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: “I am NOT your core costumer!!!”

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Gianna Michaels

J. Ream-Her writes:

Hey Billy.

First, my vital stats: I am also in my 30s, I always feel like I’m slipping towards being overweight but avoid getting blubbery, I’m not in any more debt than anyone else (damn student loans) and I don’t live with my mother (I live with my wife, and on occasion the experience can be the same). I don’t like NASCAR but don’t look down on those that do. What I do have in common with JH is I like to write you while I’m drunk; sorry for that.

That said, I was kinda jealous of JH’s gift of free passes at first, but then I realized something. I really enjoy reading your blog; it’s a daily visit for me even when it isn’t for you. It’s entertaining and enlightening (you know what I mean); you write well and you and I share similar taste in a lot of stuff : travel, food, sense of humor, movies (I knew who Edith Massey was) and music. Plus it has tits.

However, I gotta admit: I don’t really like your porn. I don’t like the Gloryhole site since I really like the interaction between people and while I’m not into dudes, I’m surprised to say that I also don’t like them seeing knocked down to just an apendage through a hole (I think that’s mostly because there’s only so much a dick in a hole can do). I really like a lot of the “girl next door” types you have on Manojob and thedicksuckers (Anna Von Trap, damn) but bj-only sites and especially handjob sites have never done much for me (I should probably be more open-minded about this). I like a lot of inter-racial porn for two reasons: 1) black guys seem to fuck like I enjoy: rough but with respect, aggressive but never brutal, and 2) they like the same things I like in women, namely, some curves. That said, Barbie Cummings and Spring Thomas do nothing for me unfortunately…I’m sure they’re great people, but a little too bleached-out and skinny for me. I don’t like Blacks on Blondes because they delve into the whole racial thing a little too much (all that writing stuff we already went over) too much for me. “No Way Am I Gay?” Yeah, no.

This all isn’t not your fault of course; it’s just my taste. I just feel kinda bad since I like your blog so much.

Lo siento buddy,

J.
_________________________________

Señor Ream-Her, no need for apologies. I like my blog, and the sites I own, and the sites I shoot for, and my life, and just cause you don’t see eye-to-eye on every aspect of such doesn’t necessitate the need for an apology.

Why didn’t you bring up Spunkmouth or Eat Some Ass? There’s some mighty fine jerk material there, and, like all the sites I’m associated with, it’s a true value.

This is a perfect segue into the Bargain that is Internet Porn…let The Digression begin:

Perverts of the World Rejoice! (And let’s face it, that’s most of us).

Remember in the old, old, days, when slick, glossy, hardcore magazines cost fifty or a hundred bucks? And you had to actually go to a movie theater and sit next to people even more perverted than yourself, and jack next to them as the movie played on the screen? Oh, and nope — no rewinding to see that pop shot again!

Of course you don’t recall that, cause even I am not that old. (However, I do remember being 11 or 12 and walking by the Kiva Theater in Old Town Scottsdale and seeing TELL THEM JOHNNY WADD IS HERE on their marquee.)

Really.

And I recall being 17 when my family shelled out 500 clams for our first VCR, and heading right to the local Mom-And-Pop video rental shop, where, in the back room — behind the blue curtain — lay Paradise.

$5 per title per day allowed me to beat off like a monkey in the zoo.

And now, internet porn!

Join any of our sites, and you’ll get heaps and mounds at The Jack Shack for about a dollar a day, and no sitting next to perverts in filthy, cum-stained theater seats, and no video clerk at Mom-And-Pop’s shop knowing all your secret perversions.

Trust me when I say this: Internet Porn will save the world, one load at a time.

There will come a day when all the sexually repressed folks of the world who hate everyone and everything will finally mind their own business, take a deep breath, and join a porn site! At that glorious moment months (and sometimes years!) of built-up tension will finally be released, and they’ll feel better than they ever have — so much so all the guilt and shameful feelings of sitting in front of their monitor with jizzy hands and keyboard will be lifted from their souls — and it will be on that day when The Hate will be conquered and the world will be a better place.

And I’m the one you will pat on the back and thank when that day occurs.

Why can’t the Republicans figure this out?

Your pal — Billy

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: “Spring Thomas vs. Barbie Cummings”

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Spring Thomas

JH writes:

Hey there, Ok Im going to get the request Out first. Im pretty drunk and if I dont make the request first I’ll most liely forget it by the time I get to the end of my point. I am e-mailing you primarily because I am wondering. Does there exsist a scene where Spring Thomas and Barbie Cummings are together? I am pretty sure such a scene does not exsist. I am sure if it did I would of found it by now. I am basically your core customer. I am an overweight man in his 30’s who is so in debt he is living wiht his Mom. I join porn websites every weekend. I live to see porn. If there was a Spring and Barbie scene I am sure I would of found it by now.

So since I am almost 99 % sure such a scene does not exsist. I have to ask you why does such a scene not exsist? I have my theroy on this, which I will get to shortly. But first let me beg a little. Dude you are the man that can make this happen. Bring them together Billy. It will be good. I’ wil join both thier sites for a glimpsh of this. And I am sure I am not alone.

Back to my theory. I have a feeling from reading your blog for many months, the reason this sene does not exisst is simple. Stress! Bringing these two porn whores together is no doubt like creating the perfect storm in your own basement. Surely such a mass of pure whoredom has never before fell upon North America. Is that the reason? You cant deal with both their “personalities” at the same time? What would really happen if you brought Spring Thomas and Barbie Cummings together?

Or is it my other theory?

I know your a good businessman. One just has to look at your scenes, they are brilliant! and read your blog and do the math on your membership fees to know you know how to make money out of this business. So clearly you have enough of a head on your shoulders to know putting Spring and Barbie together would be a sensible choice. I tend to think you are all for putting a scene like this on one or more of your sites. So I have to ask,

Do they not like each other?

Is that why there isnt such a scene in existance? It makes sence. They are both giant porn whores with a preferance for black dick. I am imagining they didnt get along the first time they met each other and have since proven they will come nearly to blows at any subsuqent meetings. Am I wrong? Blog about it man. Why are there no Spring and Barbie scenes? It seems the logical path to follow.

Oooo maybe its my third theory! You know damn well how desirable a senario this coupling would be.The two porn whores in question have no issues with working with each other, and you are holding off doing the scene as a sort of grand finale to your carrer?

No matter what the answer is. If it is something I have listed here, or maybe is something as simple as you havent gotten around to this one cause your busy I do hope you will somehow make this scene happen. For surely such a perfect storm as Barbie and Spring together has never fallen upon porndom before.

Dude if you get a 100 e-mails a day asking why there is no Spring and Barbie scene then feel free to ignore this e-mail. I will then at least know the idea has been sugested to you before and you are taking it into consideration.

All I ask is please take the time to hit reply and just put a fucking letter in the reply. So I know my message was recived, or not, whatever.

P.S. Please forgive my pathetic attempts at seeming literate in the places I mispelled big words. I am a drunk fat guy that likes Nascar and porn. I’m a fan of yours for obvious reasons and I have a humble request that you bring your two top guns together in one massive scene to end all scenes. But if not no worries. You still rock bro.

________________________________________________________________

Congrats, JH — you’ve just been awarded “Super Fun E-Mail of The Month”. This entitles you to:

1) a free month at Manojob, The Dick Suckers, and Chelci Fox…unless you’d rather have one to No Way Am I Gay. Just e-mail me and I’ll set ya all up. No tricks or gimmicks here, either!

2) The right to brag to all your pals — and why not mom? — that you’ve been bestowed an award from me, Billy Watson, and my blog, I Shoot Porn.

3) And all the answers to your questions, in both a direct and polite manner: No scene exists with both Spring and Barbie; it doesn’t exist cause I’ve never booked it; it would be tough to deal with both of them at the same time, yes; if I bought them together we’d get a great black cock slut scene; I have no idea how they feel about each other — nor do they — cause they’ve never met; I am not holding it off for a “grand finale” of my career.

JH — I am a fan of middle-aged fat guys who dig NASCAR and porn and still live at home. You are indeed my bread and butter, and I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know. This is a serious statement. Please e-mail me for your login and passwords to the sites I own.

Your pal — Billy

Barbie Cummings