Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-mails.

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Spring Thomas

Mister Anonymous writes:

Ok, so the Spring Thomas ‘humiliation / admiration‘ thing is kind of silly, but what ever, porn tends to bring these things out. But another site? Katie Thomas? I had no idea there was such a market.

I don’t believe for a second that they’re sisters, but I’m just weirded out by the whole thing. It seems odd to TWO sites where some White chick brags about only sleeping with Black men and presenting herself as a bigot while getting plowed…?

Who comes up with this stuff and – my biggest question as a Black man myself, are most of the people who you meet who are fans White (the Cuckhold thing???) or Black (the what tha fuck?!) thing…?

—————-

Mister Anonymous:

Why does this have to be a “black thing” and a “white thing”? Well, I should say a black thang and a white thing?

This is a rhetorical question, of course, and even after spending years with both Thomas sisters, as well as shooting for the world’s greatest interracial website — Blacks on Blondes — I really can’t answer you.

Yes, the Thomas sisters are sisters, and yes, porn, in general, tends to bring the silliness out of people…or does it?

Mark Twain once said “It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” He also said, “Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.”

I have no idea how this relates to what I’m trying to say, but I have a pretty good idea Twain would have been a huge fan of porn, and interracial porn, if he coulda gotten his grubby, tobacco-stained hands on some of it while he was alive.

I dunno, maybe the Twain quotes do makes sense in some sort of odd way.

Why can’t two bigoted sisters brag about fucking black dudes?

I also don’t know if there’s more white fans or black fans who visit Blacks on Blondes and Spring Thomas’s and Katie Thomas’s sites. Does it really matter? I would assume white guys love IR sex cause, in general, they’re either rascists and find white girls having sex with black guys humiliating for the white girls (which turns them on) , or they’re into seeing white girls getting pounded by huge black meat (which turns them on); I would think black guys love to see their brothers pounding white, pink pussy, cause it’s something they’ve always wanted to do — or are actually doing — cause it turns them on.

It isn’t really about being a white thing, or a black thang, or anything more than a thing that turns a lot of people on, and trust me…there’s a huge market for things that turn people on, whether it’s porn, or that cigarette you’re about to inhale, or all that drinking you did last night, or the bet you won (or lost) the other day.

Hope this helps.

Your pal, Billy

Katie Thomas

Guest Bloggers

Today’s Guest Blogger: Doron Pepperscone — “Face Blaster Makes Me Happy”

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Dream Theater Mike Portnoy

Yes, the title is a peculiar one but allow me to explain. I’ve been honing my skills as a camera dude by shooting the last few scenes for Manojob.com and The Dick Suckers.com and No Way Am I Gay.com. Billy is out of town and has given me complete creative license on shooting for his sites.

Trisha Rey was in earlier today for Manojob.com (which is rendering as I type this) and she was here to jerk off an anonymous dick. I was about to shoot stills when I checked my phone and saw I had 2 missed calls. The phone showed that super popper, Face Blaster, had called from who-knows-where.

You see, when Face Blaster’s not unloading his ball snot onto some porn chick he’s doing some technical mumbo jumbo for various individuals all around the country.

(Interruption from Billy Watson: clicking on the above hyperlink “unloading his ball snot” will take you to a scene I shot featuring Face Blaster…look at the 4th clip and see how he earned his name.)

I called him back and he said “Dude, I was just here with Mike Portnoy.”

Ok, for those of you who don’t know better to listen to Progressive Rock Dream Theater is in my top 5 “favorite band” list.

The order, in case you care,goes like this…..1-Led Zeppelin, 2-Pink Floyd, 3-Rush, 4-Dream Theater, 5-Iron Maiden. However, Mike Portnoy is makes the #2 spot on my list of “favorite drummers” right behind G-d himself, Neil Peart, and right above John Bonham.

Face Blaster continued, “Check your voice mail, Pepperscone.” I listened to it and Face Blaster was able to get Mike Portnoy to leave a voice mail for me and it goes like this: “Hey Doron, it’s Mike Porntoy from Dream Theater here. Eat my ass and balls! See ya!”

Yes, the man who fuckin’ owns your favorite drummer just told me to do some un-biblical things to him. Seriously, thanks Faceblaster……..I’ll buy you some Rosie’s grub when you get back into town.

Random Thoughts

To Swallow…or To Splatter?

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Kelli Kallen

We started The Dick Suckers with $1000 worth of content licensed from a scoundrel whose name I don’t want to mention here, but it’s safe to say not only did we buy 100 scenes that were oversold to a zillion other sites, well…we didn’t even get 100 scenes.

More like 60.

And 10 of those were unwatchable, simple because the moron who was running the camera allowed a fire alarm to go off in the background as he rolled tape. Sure, you could have turned the volume down, but isn’t it fun to listen to the whore slurp on dick while you’re pleasing yourself?

Pay for 100 scenes, get 50. And sure, we knew it wasn’t exclusive content, but you need to start somewhere, and unless you have money to hire talent, and rent a safe place to shoot it, well…then you have to license your content.

Future makers of smut, take note!

Oh, the dilemmas when starting your own dirty website!

We went with a simple name — The Dick Suckers — cause it was available, and we decided to keep it simple: hot girls sucking dick.

But life’s often a complex playground, and life as a pornographer is often filled with ups and downs and sidewayzers.

Sidewayzers?

Sidewayzers.

Yep. Just like your life…sometimes up, and sometimes down, and sometimes just plain sideways.

Some would say naming the site The Dick Suckers was our first mistake, but I’ll stand by it. People like to know what it is they’re buying, and make no mistake about it — when you become a member of The Dick Suckers, that’s exactly what you get.

And to date we’re closing in on 100 of them.

Dicksuckers, that is.

We’ve adapted the so-simple-it’s-almost-shameful approach to directing The Dick Suckers just like we direct the girls at its sister site, Manjob.com: keep the dudes’ mouths shut, and let the girl talk like a filthy slut right into the camera.

Two dilemmas left to go: get rid of the rest of the not-so-perfect content we licensed with brand new, top-notch content shot by yours truly.

This means coughing up a bunch of money.

The other dilemma: to swallow, or to splatter?

From now on, in addition to keeping the dicks silent, we’re thinking…do you have the girl swallow her prize, or does she get to wear it all over her pretty face?

I’m a splatter man. Nothing better to me than watching a hot girl take a load directly to the kisser.

Ask Doron Pepperscone, my faithful sidekick, what he likes to see in his dick sucking movies, and he’ll tell ya the same thing, over and over: she needs to swallow!

Swallow?

Splatter?

Splatter!

Swallow!

I was listening to what is, perhaps, one of the finest records to come out of the 60’s (Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks, duh!) when suddenly, it came to me.

It came to me just like it came to me almost two years ago when I shot my first scene for Manojob.com, and I thought, how in the world do I set up a handjob scene? I know…I’ll keep my mouth shut and let the girl talk right into the camera.

So, while Van was crooning “Ballerina” with that wonderful guitar playing in the background and those plucky bass lines all over the place, I realized that every single dick sucker from here on out shall swallow…and then get splattered.

One chick, two dicks.

Swallow, then splattered.

Talking directly into the camera.

All while the dudes keep their pie holes shut.

I hereby declare that I am a pornographic genius.

Which, of course, is something to be terribly ashamed of.

Lena Hawkins

Nothing To Do With Porn

The Club.

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Andre The Giant

André the Giant had a daughter and at least two serious girlfriends. But then again, he was close to 7 and a half feet tall and weighed about a quarter of a ton, and never really paid much attention to his sideburns…which explains a lot.

Ludwig van Beethoven wrote a whole bunch of music instead of doing it.

So did Johannes Brahms.

James Buchanan, our 15th U.S. President, got close, but his (ex) fiancé gobbled up too much laudanum and killed herself.

George Washington Carver, Wilt Chamberlain, Eugène Delacroix, Matt Dillon, George Eastman, Leonardo da Vinci, Anthony Michael Hall, J. Edgar Hoover, and Langston Hughes.

But Hoover was an angry faggot, and Wilt got too much nookie to do it. I can’t really say much about the rest.

George Clooney did it for a heartbeat, but has sworn he’ll never do it again.

Ron Jeremy, Anthony Kiedis, Matthew McConaughey, Jim Nabors, Ralph Nader, Isaac Newton, Nietzsche, Jeremy Piven, Plato, Ravel, and Cliff Richard.

Cesar Romero was the first and best Joker…even better than Nicholson, but let’s see how he fares against Heath Ledger.

Rick Rubin, Nipsey Russell, Jean-Paul Sartre, Franz Schubert, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Baruch de Spinoza.

Then there’s Nicola Tesla, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Vincent van Gogh, Luther Vandross, Vivaldi, Voltaire, and The Wright Brothers.

Funny how I’m all about the first blog of 2008 being my marital status, which is the same as all the fellahs I’ve just mentioned: nil.

Maybe Chris Rock — who’s been married over a decade — said it best: married and bored, or single and lonely.

Sometimes it’s tough to come off as a straight, middle aged dude who’s never been married and is just fine ‘n dandy with it. It’s always tough to come off as a middle aged dude who’s bachelor and straight.

No Way Am I Gay!

Neither is Al Pacino, Billy Idol, Drew Carey, Gene Simmons, or Vin Diesel.

I’m not sure about Kevin Spacey or Quentin Tarantino. I’d say Tatantino is straight, and I bet Spacey’s bi.

I’m willing to bet large amounts of money that Carl Lewis and Ricky Martin, are, in fact, totally gay.

Does anyone really know about Morrissey? He ain’t hitched yet, either. He’s also celibate. Then he’s asexual. Then he’s straight. Then he ain’t tellin’. And didn’t he say something about Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others? And does that have anything at all to do with Morrissey’s sexual preferences…or what I’m blogging about?

Why not really digress?

I used to eat a lot at House of Pies, in LA, which is right down the street from Glen Danzig’s old house. One day I was very excited about eating breakfast for dinner there, cause I’m all about Breakfast For Dinner, and then topping it all off with a beautiful piece of strawberry creme pie, which House of Pies is known for; but alas, House of Pies was closed that night, because the health department shut them down after finding a whole lotta bugs in their kitchen.

I wonder if Morrissey was as bummed as I was, cause, word has it, he loves House of Pies as much as I do…or once did.

For all the times I ate at House Of Pies, I never saw Morrissey there…not once.

Damnit.

I’d walk into House of Pies always keeping an eye out for him, though.

What would you say to Morrissey if you saw him at House of Pies? Introduce yourself as a fan? Try and say something clever? Or funny? Or funny and clever? Do you comment on his choice of yummy House of Pies fare? Maybe recommend the Strawberry Creme pie? If he’s at the counter, do you sit next to him and just pretend not to know who he is…and just observe, like a coy, creepy stalker?

How about you’re sitting at the counter next to Morrissey, pretending not to know who he is, when suddenly his cell phone rings, and it was Johnny Marr!

Recommending the outstanding pie to Morrissey would be a really dumb move, cause everyone who eats at House of Pies knows how good all the pies are — not just the Strawberry Creme.

Plus, it’s called House of Pies. Duh.

I’m a bachelor, and I’ve never been married, but I got close once or twice — and there’s some nights I go to bed lonely, but there’s a whole lotta nights I go to bed happy as a clam.

Which, of course, is a cliché.

And what about The House of Pies? I haven’t been back since they were shut down, but I pay attention: after reopening, they were given a “C” by the Health Department…then, a few weeks later, an “A”, and since then, it’s been up and down for The House of Pies.

Would Morrissey ever eat at a “C” rated restaurant?

I know Cherry Poppens won’t, cause she told me.

As for me, well…I suppose, in the end, it depends how hungry I am.

Morrissey

Guest Bloggers

Today’s Guest Blogger: Doron Pepperscone — “A Look Back on ’07”

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Super Minion

I, Doron Pepperscone, have spent the last few days looking back at 2007. There were lots of highs and several lows. Let’s look back on 2007.

Here are the lows in no particular order:

1 – Working as a content manager for an internet company in Hollywood. I was underpaid and underappreciated. I was laid off and given absolutely no notice. Here’s how it went:

The Owner: “Hey Doron, we’re holding off internet production. We’re letting you go.”

Me: “Oh, when’s my last day?”

The Owner: “Tomorrow.”

Fuck them.

2 – Brian Surewood’s latest troubles. Brian is a great guy and I hope he pulls through this. He’s one of the people that make this business tolerable.

3 – The fiasco with Chico and Haley. Not a day goes by without me thinking of them and my time with them. I’m still in a somewhat shock about it all.

4 – My dad’s health getting worse and worse.

5 – Having to deal with morons on “liquid courage” at a nightclub I work at a few nights a week in Santa Monica.

6 – Breaking up with Jennifer. She was and still is a great girl. I’m an emotional wreck and the entire thing was my fuck up. On the bright side she loved giving me bj’s while her mom was in the other room. Weird

The Highs of 2007 in no particular order:

1 – Getting a phone call from Chico Wang (out of the blue) back in March or April while I was working at the Hollywood Adult Video company. We spoke in detail of how he was going to leave Anabolic/Diabolic and his web ventures that were sure to follow. He wanted me to come back, perform, and edit various other content. 2007 looked bright.Too bad he wouldn’t make it, though.

2 – Getting the night gig as a bouncer to supplement my income. I was making chump change at the Hollywood company and needed the extra cash to get by. Make money while talking to hot chicks and toss out the occasional moron? Where do I sign up?

3 – Taking my 10 year-old niece to her first ever concert. Who did she see? RUSH at the Hollywood Bowl on 7/21, Amazing fucking show!

4 – My brother and his girlfriend recently getting married.

5 – Getting a phone call from Billy Watson back in July. Here’s how it went:

Billy: “Doron!, sup man?”

Me: “I’m ok, just doing the bouncing shit. Chico is nowhere to be found.Heard from him?”

Billy: “No. Listen, do you know how to edit?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty good with Premiere Pro. In fact, I was supposed to edit for Chico before he got into his latest shit.”

Billy: “Cool man. Listen, Cherry Poppens used to be my P.A. I need someone to edit, set up lights, handle paperwork, etc. You cool with that?”

Me: “Fuck yeah! Let’s do this!!”

Billy: “Cool, meet me tomorrow at my studio and we’ll talk further. Here’s the address………..”

Me: “I’ll be there”

Billy: “You get the job on one condition”

Me: “And that would be?”

Billy: “You gotta find out the contact information for my favorite band, Wilco. I want them to do a bukkake with Barbie Cummings!”

Ok, that last part didn’t happen but that phone call took me from being “The Minion” to being D. Pepperscone.

The last 52 weeks have been interesting. The upcoming year will see D. Pepperscone in a new light.

Super Minion

random raves

My Favorite Things of 2007.

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Adrianna Nicole

Adrianna Nicole: We are both employed by the sex industry. We both like anything and everything offensive…and the more offensive it is, the more we laugh. We have our coffee at 8 am. We both have dogs. I have a bed. Adrianna does not. We send poo pictures back and forth to each other (but only the really good ones). Sometimes we eat dinner together and sometimes we go to the movies together and we really don’t go to Pinkberry anymore…but we used to. We’re strictly platonic. She doesn’t like the beginning of this video. I do. She’s been nominated for an AVN this year in the “Unsung Starlet of the Year” award, and she should win. I’ll probably never get nominated for an AVN, and I don’t give a fuck.

Manojob and The Dick Suckers and Chelci Fox and No Way Am I Gay: My dirty websites rule your filthy, dirty erotic world. If you don’t realize that yet, go see for yourself. And if you’re a cheap bastard, here’s our YouTube videos.

Johnny Fender: He’s male talent, and he’s fucking good. He never double books himself, which means he always blows a big load; he’s very conscientious for his female coworker, so he’s always got a copy of his STD test, he showers before he works, so his balls and his butt doesn’t smell like a deer in heat, and if I book him for Eat Some Ass, he’ll NAIR his butthole and crack so the whore doesn’t get pubes in her mouth; he shows up on time; and he’s a fucking great carpenter, so when he’s not nailing chicks, he might be nailing boards and building my sets.

Doron Pepperscone and Gia Paloma: my PA and make-up artist, and they’re the best PA and the best make-up artist working in adult right now. I’m not just saying that. And if it wasn’t for them, I couldn’t do the things I do…which, at any given moment, could be anything from filming interracial sex acts to men masturbating themselves and crying out NO WAY AM I GAY!

Kenny versus Spenny: Today’s greatest lesson on morality and ethics comes from Comedy Central. Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice are best friends who like to compete against one another in many different arenas. They are roommates. They live in Canada. Kenny has a website. Spenny doesn’t. Kenny and Spenny take their competitions very serious, and whilst on the battlefield, they are enemies. Kenny is evil. Spenny is good. Kenny cheats. Spenny plays by the rules. Kenny has no morals. Spenny’s morals and ethics precede him. Kenny thinks he’s faster, better, and smarter than Spenny. Spenny is a hard worker — and, in fact, he works much harder than Kenny — and he likes to show the world that hard, honest work pays off in the end. Kenny thinks hard work is dumb work. Spenny consults experts in the fields of their competitions. Kenny doesn’t. Who do you think wins more? And if you’re wondering what kind of competitions they have, “First Guy to Get a Boner Loses” might be the greatest skit ever recorded for commercial television.

The Criterion Collection: Calling themselves “a continuing series of important classic and contemporary films on DVD”, The Criterion Collection consists of (as of this writing) 426 art house (and a few commercial) flicks that you’ve probably never heard of. I recently watched “Two-Lane Blacktop” (imagine Samuel Beckett in 1970 writing a movie about muscle cars), “Equinox” (a special effects horror flick circa 1967) and “The Two Of Us” (the Odd Couple meets…um, I dunno. Maybe just describe it as The Odd Couple if it was shot in France during The Occupation.) I loved “Two-Lane Blacktop”; “Equinox” was downright silly; “The Two of Us” was as mediocre as any movie Sean Penn has starred in or made, except maybe “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”.

Cormac McCarthy: I first heard of McCarthy in 1991 when this dude told me McCarthy’s writing can “out Faulkner Faulkner”. I ran out and read Children of God in which a dude likes to bang dead people. Then I kinda read Outer Dark, in which a dude likes to bang watermelons…but I couldn’t finish it cause I lost interest. Then I kinda read Blood Meridian, but I couldn’t finish that cause it gave me nightmares. In 1992 I ran out and bought and read All The Pretty Horses. Then, he wrote a play I didn’t read, and some more books I didn’t read, and then I kinda lost interest in McCarthy altogether. Now, the Cohen Brothers made me like Cormac McCarthy all over again. You know what that means…time to tackle Outer Dark and Blood Meridian again…once I finish No Country For Old Men.

No Country For Old Men: Since I’m all ga-ga for Cormac, I’ll go ahead and use this as a segue into my very favorite movie of the year (barely beating out Superbad), as well as my very favorite movie villain ever — Anton Chigurh. Chigurh is the baddest motherfucker of all time, and if you name anyone in movie history, and that character got into a fight with Anton Chigurh, well…Chigurh would win. This includes Rambo, Jason, Shaft, Freddy Krueger, Hulk Hogan, Mr. T., any one from Goodfellas or The Godfather or The Sopranos, James Bond, and / or any character ever played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, or Steven Segal. Please also include Jan Claude Van Damme, The Hulk, The Thing, Silver Surfer, and The XMen.

You get the point.

Psychon Invaders: My director friend Jeff Leroy made a micro-budget sci-fi thriller, and I’ll go ahead and include it here cause if you watch it closely, you’ll catch my acting debut, even if it’s only three seconds long.

Breakfast for Dinner: I can’t think of anything better after a long day of shootin’ smut than a couple eggs over easy, a slab of breakfast meat, hash browns and a cup o’ java. It was a close call between this and Sonic Drive-Thru’s #3 Coney Chili Dog meal with tots, but hey…in my world, nothing beats breakfast for dinner. Not even the tots.

Wilco: At first I was just going to include Nels Cline, hands-down the greatest living guitarist as of right now, but how could I overlook Tweedy? Tweedy and Nels is like Fish n’ Chips, Suds n’ Duds, Shake n’ Bake, and Ike n’ Tina.

Well, maybe not Ike n’ Tina.

And before you fuck with me about Nels Cline, and e-mail to remind me about Eddie Van Halen, or Joe Satriani, or Jimmy Page, or Slash, or Yngwie Malmsteen, or Kirk Hammett, or Eric Clapton or Steve Vai or Zakk Wylde or Joe Perry or Brian Setzer or anyone else, just understand and realize that I’m right, and you’re wrong.

My little brother just reminded me of Jack White, which is where I’ll bite my lip and (perhaps) agree. But I’ll never admit it.

Wilco’s soon playing 5 shows in Chicago, right in a row! And they’re covering every single song they’ve ever committed to wax, and no set this February will be like the night before, and there’s still 5 day passes on eBay, but I refuse to go because it’s Chicago in February, and even my Gay Love for Nels and Tweedy shall be superseded by avoiding a winter day in Chicago…let alone 5 of them in a row. Which is to say I’ll wait for the DVD box set and stay warm in Arizona. Or California. Or wherever it is I am come February.

Patton Oswalt: He might look like a gnome, but looks aren’t everything, right? And fuck this guy makes me laugh so hard I’ve just about sharted myself…on more than one occasion.

The McIntosh MC-40: The folks at McIntosh will tell ya: “A laboratory is not a factory; it is a place where people search for ways to improve the quality of life, where things are designed and built to an ever-higher standard, instead of a price. By design… there is nothing like a McIntosh.” I’ll go that far, cause damn…these babies sound amazing. They were made from 1962 till ’69, and if you got them new it woulda set you back $159. I scored mine off eBay recently, had having them professionally restored cost more now than they did new in the store 40 years ago. And now my front room sounds more like a concert hall than a room where I play my stereo.

When my MC-40’s are playing whatever it is I happen to be listening to, my quality of life can’t be beat at that moment in time, so I guess the folks at McIntosh got it right.

Adrianna Nicole

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-mails of the Intellecutal Sort.

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Leighlani Red

D. writes:

Mr. Watson,

….I must say that most of my suppositions about the nature of porn “actresses” have proved to be wrong, witness your recent interview with LeLani Red. She seems to have her head screwed on remarkably well. Of course serial killers are always the ones who seem so well adjusted.

“He was always so quiet.”

“He liked animals.”

“He let me keep things in his many spare refrigerators.”

I agree with you about the milk white skin that some red heads have and despite the racist overtones I like seeing them contrasted against a darker brother. How I’d feel about Bill Walton doing Lil Kim, three words, pay per view. Of course that is one of the other quotes that should alert you to the presence of a serial killer:

“He always brought home girls with the nicest skin… No, I don’t recall any leaving.”

I bring up racism because you wondered aloud (in print? in bytes?) about the popularity of interracial porn, so I did research. After scanning page after page of mostly white women tearing up as they were penetrated by some Mandingo’s love sledge. I came to the conclusion its unconscious racism albeit to the benefit of the black man at the expense of his prostate.

It seems that a vast percentage of porn is devoted to demeaning or at least dominating girls. There is as I’m sure you’ll agree a vast amount of weird stuff out there for the 100% of Americans jaded by their sex lives. They are looking for something “dirty” which by definition is anything your girlfriend won’t do and what they won’t do is anything humiliating, unless of course you get that one in a million that actually enjoys putting up with our disgusting little games. (I wish they’d wear a sign around their neck.)

ATM, Bukkake, piss drinking, gagging, Max Hardcore and any sort of anal requires at least a strong humiliation fetish to sustain any one’s interest. (Except in Germany, where I believe the entire population of weedy perverts is united in their quest to urinate on every other German. Its amazing that these same people nearly conquered Europe. Twice!) I believe that part of the unconscious charm of interracial porn is that a white girl is extra degraded when she does one or more of those dangerous black studs. If every one was so darn fascinated by watching colored and white folk get it on there would be an equal number of black girls getting buggered by white guys, n’est pas? I’d also suggest our Black friends secretly like tearing up the tight white booty for the same
reason. I’ll bring it up at the next NAACP convention.

I must say Eat Some Ass, (Speaking of vaguely demeaning behavior) continues to entertain and inform. I took the eHarmony test but instead of answering the questions I just wrote I WANT MY ASS EATEN! in large block letters with crayon. I got 11,527 returns from women in Los Angeles and one from the guy that does the commercial.

Oh and the last serial killer warning quote:

“He looked so familiar, was he in an eHarmony ad?”

or:

“Did he do a lot of German porn?”

————————————–

Dear D.

Please leave the Germans out of this…they’ve been blamed for too much already.

Your pal — Billy

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

No Way Am I Gay

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Straightboy Carter Strokes

Joey Brass was here to jerk off for my site marketed directly to gay dudes — No Way Am I Gay.

Before my days in this biz, gay porn disturbed me. I’m not a homophobe — really, I’m not — but the thought of two dudes doing it was, to me, the equivalent of watching a train run over a baby carriage…with the soft, gentle baby sleeping inside.

After shooting for a year or two, I ended up on a gay set. It really didn’t bother me knowing there were fags doing it in the same studio where I was hanging out, but, on the same note, I didn’t rush over to watch the dudes bang each other.

I did, however, wind up on set, and sure enough, homeboys were banging each other. To me, it was kinda like watching that train hit the baby carriage…you didn’t want to look, but you had a hard time taking your eyes off it.

I watched as 3 dudes took turns sucking and fucking each other. They said things like, “ohh gawd, that’s it, fuck me daddy,” and “God how does that big cock fit in my ass?” and “Shoot your hot load down my eager throat.”

I’m not sure how a throat can be eager, but it’s a fair adjective.

The whole reason I started a gay site? Simple…it’s the same reason I’m on porn: to make money. And apparently gay porn pays. Big. Think about it…in general, gay dudes have more disposable income, they’re more open to porno in general, and they love to jerk off, which makes them a lot like straight dudes, except straight dudes don’t like to admit they jerk off to anything…let alone porn.

Then I did some homework. What did I learn? Well…there’s Leather Daddies, and Bears, and Bear Cubs, and Hankey Codes, and Twinks, and tops and bottoms. I also learned gay dudes LOVE to bang straight dudes, cause, well…they’re not easily obtainable.

No Way Am I Gay!

At first, I shot all the scenes for No Way Am I Gay. But I didn’t like it too much. Then, for a while, I had my assistant, Cherry Poppins, shoot it…but that backfired, cause (apparently) gay dudes don’t like to hear a girl’s voice while they’re making love to themselves.

Now I have my boy wonder, Doron Pepperscone, shoot it. In case you’re wondering, Doron would be classified as a Bear.

But on to Joey Brass: “Hey Joey, I’m a straight dude, and so is Doron Pepperscone. He’ll be shooting you today. Ever shoot a solo stroke before?”

In fact, Joey had. For a guy named Randy Blue. “And you won’t believe what he paid me to jerk off,” Joey said.

I looked up at Joey. I was worried this was his way of working a few extra dollars out of me, cause we hadn’t even established a price yet. “How much does he pay?”

“Well, he paid me $1800 to jerk.”

I pay $150 for the same thing.

The first thing I did was scream. Not at Joey, or Doron Pepperscone…or at Adrianna Nicole, who just happened to be hanging out on set.

“Fuck me! I’ll jerk off on camera for eighteen hundred bucks!”

This caught everyone’s attention.

Joey continued: “He pays $2,500 for a circle jerk.”

That did it for me. I kinda came unglued. “WHAT! TWENTY FIVE HUNDRED TO JERK WITH SOME DUDES?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?”

Joey remained calm. “No. You don’t have to touch them, either. What a great gig.”

“I swear to Christ I’d do a circle jerk for $2,500!” I exclaimed.

I said that cause it’s true.

“I’d punch my dad in the face for $500,” said Doron Pepperscone.

He said that cause it’s true.

“Why don’t I have a ween?” Adrianna asked.

She asked that cause she really wants one.

Since then, I’ve somewhat retracted my statement on the circle jerk. I don’t think I’d do that, but I’d still do a solo stroke for sure. That is, if anyone wants to pay to see a middle aged chubby guy with a six inch ween stroke it.

And just cause you’re wondering, no way am I gay.

Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#36) — Kylie Ireland

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Kylie Ireland

I Shoot Porn: I’m totally fascinated with the history of our business, and I love talking to people who have been in this silly game for longer than a few months…which is the average length of a porn girl’s career. When did you do your first scene, and who was it with?

Kylie Ireland: My first scene was in March of ’94, for Sin City, and the movie was Lil’ Ms. Behaved. I fucked Randy West, and I was really nervous.

ISP: And who got you that gig?

KI: I got it through a recommendation from Sunset Thomas.

ISP: Who is now a star on that reality show about The Bunny Ranch. Have you ever escorted?

KI: No I haven’t, and no I won’t. It’s just not my cup of tea. My naughty adventures stay in front of a camera.

ISP: Did you know Savannah?

KI: I never met her, but I was in the business for about 4 months before she killed herself. Want me to be truthful?

ISP: Sure.

KI: I heard she was cunty. I never knew her, but that’s what I heard.

ISP: Is Peter North cunty?

KI: Only if you touch his hair.

ISP: Who are your best porno pals?

KI: Ginger Lynn, Nina Hartley…but you know what? I’m kinda a loner.

ISP: Can I book Ginger?

KI: If you have a lot of money.

ISP: Will she do black guys anymore?

KI: Oh yea. She used to work with Sean Michaels all the time.

ISP: What did you want to be when you were 10 years old?

KI: I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I found out there was a lot of math to be a vet, so I changed my mind.

ISP: What’s the difference between a porn star and a porn whore?

KI: Porn stars don’t really happen anymore. I’m in a small group of The Last of The Free Range Porn Stars. Who’s left, really? The Class of ’94 rocked! Me and Asia Carrerra, Misty Rain, Chasey Lain, Jenna…but she disappeared after that.

ISP: What do you think about Bree Olson?

KI: I met her once or twice, briefly. She’s cute as a button, used to be nasty as hell, seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, and hopefully her contract with Adam & Eve doesn’t make her Soft ‘n Fluffy. And I hope she doesn’t catch Contractgirlitis.

ISP: When did you figure out you wanted to be in porn?

KI: I was dancing in Denver at a place called The Diamond Cabaret. I was stripping my way through college. I was a broadcast journalism major, and one day a talent scout came to the club, searching for girls to do layouts in magazines. That’s how I ended up in New York with Julie Ashton. Julie’s the first girl I ever had sex with…before we were in porn! We went to NYC and did some test shots, and it ended up somewhere…but I can’t remember! Cherri…High Society. I don’t really remember! The photographer asked me if I ever thought about being in movies. He hooked me up with Sunset, and the rest is history. I really only planned on doing a couple movies for shits ‘n giggles, and the business wouldn’t let me go home. I packed it all up and moved to LA.

ISP: How did you come up with your porn name?

KI: Kylie cause I like the sound of it. My husband mighta thought it up. He was my husband at the time. I’m not married anymore. It was Saint Pattie’s day, and we were thinking of a last name, and we got drunk on Maragarita’s (they were green) and Ireland just stuck. After a few movies I realized it sounded like Kathy Ireland, which proves you shouldn’t pick a porno name while drunk.

ISP: What is your favorite fantasy, and the one you are most ashamed of?

KI: Oh Christ! See, now that I direct and own my own company, if I come up with my own fantasy, I live it out on film. As fas as being ashamed of anything, I’m so fucking perverted I can do it all: fisting, pissing, bondage…it’s all on my site. I’m always working on SlutWerkz. It’s under construction now, but you can sign up for the newsletter. It’s all about no-holes-barred-everything-goes porn with all-female directors shooting the hardest filth possible.

ISP: Like?

KI: Ginger Lynn, Katja Kassin, Nina’s gonna do some scenes, and I’m doing it. Julie Knight. Kimberly Kane. Oh…there’s so many more! I tell the girls to shoot whatever they want, and it’s really depraved, fucked-up shit. You wouldn’t believe what these girls are coming up with! Ginger’s the most perverted so far. Her perversions put mine to shame. I can’t even describe what she’s doing.

ISP: What profession other than porn would you like to attempt?

KI: Um, if I was going to do something non-porn, it would probably be radio.

ISP: You got a show on Sirius!

KI: It’s channel 198, and it’s a talk show and I encourage callers to call me with their dirty stories. I share mine, too.

ISP: What classes did you like in high school?

KI: English, Journalism, and History.

ISP: What ones did you hate?

KI: Math math math and math. And PE.

ISP: What’s the dumbest thing a director’s ever asked you to do?

KI: Picking up a black guy on the sidewalk.

ISP: Hey! We just did that!! OK…last question: ever feel exploited by being in porn?

KI: My personal motto is “Exploiting Myself”. That’s what it says on my ADT profile…Kylie Ireland, Exploiting Myself!

Kylie Ireland