Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-mails.

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Chelci Fox

E. writes:

To start my names E., i’m getting ready to graduate here in 10 days. I’ve always for some reason wanted to be in a porno, and had no idea how to pursue that goal. Then I stumbled across your site. Winter is coming up and I don’t think I could ask for anything better, i’m soon to be 19 by the end of this year. I’m around 6’3, and about 170 lbs. I’ve never measured myself, but all the girls i’ve been with say i’m huge. So if you could help make this dream of mine, becoming a porn star come true. I don’t think there would be any way of repaying you!!!

Thank you so much!

-E

You lying dog E…you lying dog.

“I’ve never measured myself…” HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

And “for some reason” you’ve always wanted to be in porn?

HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

BWHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAH.

GUFFAW GUFFAW.

Why, no matter how many times I post this, won’t you dudes listen: I’m not hiring you.

Furthermore, you can’t do porn!

Trust me.

Really, you can’t.

You can’t fuck a super hot girl really hard like Riley Mason for more than, say, a minute, or even get your dick sucked by Jenni Lee long enough to make a BJ update, or get your ass eaten by Madison Scott or even last too long getting a handie from Tristan Kingsley.

It just ain’t happening.

I’m not trying to goad you, or dis you, or do anything but state a fact.

Ever wonder why there’s been like a million porn girls that have come and go since you’ve been watching porn…but the same 5 dudes are still around?

Look, I’ve been over this a million times. If you still want to give it a shot, do an “818” search on my blog for the phone number to the good folks over at American Bukakke. They’ll hire you. RIGHT NOW. Don’t believe me? Call!

In the meantime, click on Chelci Fox and check out her super hot titties.

And Peace Out With Your Bad Self.

Nothing To Do With Porn

My Fucking Mouth.

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Ouch.

I’m having an outbreak.

Isn’t that sexy?

No, I don’t have genital herpes, but I do get outbreaks alright, and they happen in my mouth, and they’ve been happening for a long time. Way before I got into this whacky business, so don’t blame porn.

Isn’t it easy to blame porn though…on just about everything?

Anyways, my mouth feels some someone’s holding a blowtorch to the tip of my tongue, and it started feeling that way yesterday, the day after I felt like total shit and just wanted to lay in bed all day. This makes sense, too, cause one of the things that’s always made my mouth break out in sores was stress and feeling shitty, and I shoulda just canceled all my scenes and just laid in bed.

Instead, I shot porn.

Blame it on porn.

There was a time I wanted to write a short story called “Blame It On Yoko”, but the only good thing I could come up with was the title.

I caught a The Butthole Surfers show a long time ago. Boy, were they fun! They used to project all sorts of disturbing imagery on a screen behind them while they played their oh!-so-happy music, and they loved to raid the library at the University of Texas’s medical school, where they’d “borrow” images of things like eye surgery and sexually transmitted diseases to display while they rocked out. Sores like mine were one of the images they’d have on the screen behind them, enlarged something like 100 times, so even the people in the back of the club wouldn’t miss out on the fun.

Wikipedia says I have an “aphthous ulcer” and they’re more common in women than men, and 10% of the population has a mouth kinda like mine…at least some of the time. My now-favorite encyclopedia also says they start popping up around the same time puberty does, which makes sense, cause that’s exactly what happened to me.

I thought I suffered from herpes simplex 1 for a long time, but those are cold sores, not canker sores.

But watch out! Cause herpes simplex 1 can cause number 2, and no one likes a number 2.

Butthole Radio

Here's the Skinny on Your Favorite Star

Annette Schwartz — Germany’s (and the world’s) Finest

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Annette Schwartz
I make these dumb resolutions after I’ve neglected my blog for a while; they start something like this:

Well, it’s been a couple weeks since I last updated, and I’ve been a lozt sod about updating since about 2005, so what I’m gonna do is every Monday morning I’m gonna wake up an hour early, brew up some tasty java, make an English Muffin and slather it with butter and jam, and write a whole bunch cause my readers deserved the very best I’ve got to offer each and every time they come to my blog.

Then, the next Monday, I’ll set my alarm early, and it’ll go off, and I’ll shut it off, think a bit my day and what I have to do and make up a time to blog later, and then turn over and go back to Snoozy Land.

I love Snoozy Land.

In Snoozy Land, sometimes I dream I’m married to Adrianna Nicole, and we’re this real cool Porno Couple and everyone wants to be just like us, or else they simply want to be us.

Sometimes in Snoozy Land I dream I’m the greatest lead guitarist in all The Land, and my fingers can do stuff only Eddie Van Halen’s can do…or Jimi Hendrix’s once did.

Then there’s times in Snoozy Land I set bench press world records without using steroids, or Jeff Tweedy comes over after a long day (for both of us) in our respective studios, where we’ll crack open a few beers and talk about his days in Uncle Tupelo and my days when I had a job which commanded respect and was full of honor and courage.

Often times I wake up from Snoozy Land hours after my alarm screamed at me to get up, and Maggie will be looking at me in this weird way that says wake up Master for I have to pee.

What now?

Oh! — Annette Schwartz.

Last Monday, which is to say just three short days ago, I was gonna wake up early and follow my new found formula for blogging success and consistency and write about the scene I shot recently for Blacks On Blondes featuring my new German Porno Pal Annette, cause I knew when I shot that motherfucker it was gonna be a gold medal winner, not cause I was shooting it mind you; nor cause my Homies Ice Cold and Jason Brown filled her butthole and vagina with their black monster dicks at the very same time; I knew it would end up being a top 5 ranked scene on the world’s greatest fucking interracial website simple because Annette Schwartz is the greatest fucking living porn star working the circuit today, and that’s the absolute truth.

I want to write poems about Annette Schwartz:

Oh Annette!
German Goo Girl Who
Drinks Cum and Piss at the same time
And can swallow Ice Cold’s
11 inch black dick
Much to His Amazement.

or maybe I’ll write Annette Schwartz haikus like:

Annette Schwatrz swallowed
52 loads in one scene. Will
You marry me Annette?

Of course I just cheated on that last line, cause if I remember my middle school education correctly, my haiku must have a first and last line of 5 syllables with a 7 syllable middle.

And finally, I just realized I’ve admitted to (somewhat) fantasizing about marrying two Porn Whores in today’s entry.

There’s something terribly wrong with me.

Fluffer Pics

Nothing To Do With Porn

Runnin’ With The Devil

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Van Halen

I don’t recall if it was Thursday, July 6, or Friday, July 7, but I know it was 1978, and I do know what I was doing on either one of those two nights — catching Van Halen on their inaugural world tour.

If it wasn’t in July I’d guess it would have been the Friday night show, cause I wouldn’t have been allowed to catch Thursday’s show; would your mom have let you go to a concert on a school night? But it was summer vacation, and I had just finished 8th grade, and I was about to become a freshman in high school, and I was in a car with 5 of my best friends with someone’s mom behind the wheel (I don’t remember whose mom), and we were all on our way to our very first live concert.

We were so fucking cool.

Until we got there.

KDKB (93.3 FM) is a local FM station in Phoenix, and they were having a “$3.93” special concert featuring Van Halen; a band called Borealis opened. My mom gave me a ten dollar bill, which not only got me into the show, but got me a frosty beverage or two.

Maybe even a hot dog.

Ten bucks was a lot of bread back then, and I’m starting to sound like a grandpa.

I remember thinking it was cool that the stage at Celebrity Theater spun in a slow, lazy circle as the bands play there…making every seat a good one. I remember thinking why doesn’t everyone know about Borealis? I remember my mom wasn’t one of the moms who drove us to the show. I remember wondering why David Lee Roth would wear women’s make-up around his eyes. (Does that mean he’s gay?) I remember being convinced — beyond a doubt — that Michael Anthony was Gene Simmons sans make up. (Sound silly? Look at the credits on the back of the album for the obvious clue).

Other things I remember:

1) I spent every dime my mom gave me — not on food or drinks — but on a VH t-shirt.

2) There was a fist fight in the parking lot after the show which, to this day, is the most brutal fist fight I’ve ever witnessed.

3) My pal Brian got served booze (drinking age was 19 then, and checking ID’s wasn’t as prevalent as it is now) and after drinking up a few rum and cokes, Brian blew chucks all over the people in front of us…none of which were amused at all by his behavior.

So now they’re back, and Wofgang’s on bass, and their reunion is a big ol’ hullabaloo.

I like Dave way more than Sammy, but I understand why no one can stand being around Dave.

I just got back from traveling to see Wilco play in Berkeley last week. I caught their show in LA Wednesday night, too. I’ve never actually traveled more than, say, 30 minutes to see a band play live, let alone catch a band twice on the same tour.

Van Halen to Wilco…what’s my point here?

As usual, I have none.

Interview with a Pornstar

Interview with a Porn Star (#31) — Lucy Fire

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Lucy Fire

I Shoot Porn: Let’s talk about young lesbian love.

Lucy Fire: OK.

ISP: When’s the first time you got with a girl?

LF: When I was 13. The girl was 22.

ISP: Um, go on.

LF: I lied and told her I was 18. She’d picked me up from high school when I was a freshman, and I’d tell her I was a senior…one year held back!

ISP: You really think she bought that?

LF: I really think she did! She’d be telling me like, “in three more years you’ll be 21 and I can take you to the bars!” and I’d be all “Um, yea!”

ISP: That’s great. OK. So you’re 13, and you’re about to fuck her. Where would you two usually do it?

LF: Well, we fucked all over the place. Since it’s two girls, we could go into the bathroom, or like a dressing room. There’s no restricted rooms, like “MALE” and “FEMALE” so we’d do it pretty much anywhere we could get away with it.

ISP: Such as…

LF: I used to work at Macy’s. I used to fuck her in the room where we kept the testers — cause I was a make-up artist — so we’d go up there and lay in between the shelves, on the floor. We’d just lay on the floor and fuck there. During Christmastime, one of the fragrances sent in a bunch of promo stuff, like teddy bears and Christmas pillows…and I took her up there during lunch break, cause all I wanted to do was give her a teddy bear, but we ended up fucking on the teddy bears, and later, during that day, I remember handing out teddy bears to shoppers with pussy juice all over them.

ISP: I have a boner.

LF: Wait til you hear this. This weekend with my current girlfriend…now, don’t image your “pretty fem girl” or lipstick lesbo. She’s a pretty stud.

ISP: A stud? How can a girl be a stud? You mean she’s a dyke?

LF: To me, a stud is a pretty girl that’s hot, with female features, but dresses like a guy. A dyke is more of a dude. They’re testosterone-takin’ pussy eaters. They’re manly. They look butch. When I see a naked stud, she still has female features.

ISP: Your girl now is a stud?

LF: She has sexy features! Anyways, she pulled out her strap-on and fucked the shit out of me. If she was a dude, I’d be making her do porn with me!!

ISP: How did you get into porn?

LF: A friend of mine knew Elena Rivera. I called her and she told me about it, and here I am now. But I’ve gone through my fair share of suitcase pimps and shady agents.

ISP: That’s so rough to hear. Want me to send a hit squad out after anyone?

LF: (Laughs). I’m sure there’s a couple people I can think of…

ISP: Does your family know you’re porno?

LF: Do you want a background on my family first?

ISP: Yea, I do.

LF: My dad’s a pastor. My mom’s a Pentecostal Christian Minister. I grew up going to church three days a week. I used to teach Sunday school. My parents were very strict. No Halloween. No shopping malls. No going out with friends without parental supervision, and my mom had to have chaperone’s names and numbers. No dates.

ISP: I now know the recipe for a porn whore: a generous amount of hard core religion added to a lack of parenting and/or being adopted. Lack of a dad, usually. Or mom. Or both. Add in growing up poor, and wah-lah! Porn Star! Or stripper. Or both.

LF: I’m a daddy’s girl. I’m close to him. He knows what I do, and we hang out. My mom’s nice to me, but porn’s just another thing she has on me. It seems to me like my mom’s always been jealous of my relationship with my dad.

ISP: What’s the dumbest thing’s a director asked you to do?

LF: Make me spend the night at his house before the shoot…or else he wouldn’t shoot me.

ISP: Wanna say who it was?

LF: No. I’m not one to gossip.

ISP: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in your life?

LF: I had sex once on a display bed during store hours…dude nutted on the floor next to the bed. I used to sneak out of my house every night from age 13 and go sit in the parking lot of Wild Rivers Water Park in the OC and fuck my older girlfriend. I spent the night in a grave yard once and ended up being tricked into smoking a blunt laced with acid so the next thing I know everything’s moving…tombstones crawling towards me, little rocks and stones turning into goblins. It was bad. I beat that boy’s ass when I sobered up.

ISP: Do you feel exploited when you’re shooting a dirty movie?

LF: If I want to be taken advantage of I’ll let them. I don’t. Ever. I do what I do cause I want to do it.

Lucy Fire

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: “Fluffers Are Not A Myth!”

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Fluffer Pics

Rob writes:

Hi Billy,

I gotta tell you that fluffers are not a myth in porn, your comments only show that you´ve never shot trannies before (good for you btw). I´m a fellow pornogapher from South America, and unluckily we don´t have the porn whores you can find in LA, we do work with whores but regular whores who only shoot because they need the money. The few ones that do want to be pornstars are not really hot 90% of the time, so that leaves us with below average female talent and not even enough of them to be able to make a decent living shooting straight porn. So what do we do? we shoot girls, but with something extra hehe. Now, shooting guys fucking shemales or vice-versa is not a problem, but imagine shooting shemales doing girls, or even worse, fucking other shemales, that´s when the “fluffers” come to play, and if you don´t have a male fluffer when shooting these type of scenes then you better pray for the viagra to kick in hard because otherwise you´re gonna spend 3 hours to shoot a 20m not-so-hot scene. I could go on about shemale fluffers but I´m not sure you´d be interested, I just wanted to give you another perspective on the topic and also say that I really enjoy the stories you write, if you ever need advice on shooting shemale or gay porn just lmk

Hi Rob!

Um, OK…your pal, Billy

stories from porno land (some amusing, some not)

And We Called Her “The Fluffer”

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Fluffer Pics

One of porn’s greatest myths is the fluffer.

From the Urban Dictionary: 1. fluffer. (noun) a person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male porno stars blowjobs in order to get them ready to perform. Where’s my fucking fluffer, goddammit! 2. Fluffer. A fluffer prepares the cocks of pornstars for action on the set of an adult movie before the shooting of an explicit sex scene. That fluffer gobbled my knob with such vigor…that I almost blew yogurt raisens before my big scene! 3. fluffer. Pornographic film industry employee who is responsible for keeping male performers aroused (usually via oral sex) between takes during a shoot. Dammit, the lighting’s all wrong, we gotta change it. This will only be a couple minutes; have the fluffer work on Jeff to keep him ready.

Don’t get me wrong — fluffers exist. It’s just that you rarely ever see one. And usually a fluffer is nothing more than a porn whore on set who isn’t working. For example, a porn whore shows up on set with her girlfriend, and girlfriend is a porn whore too, and maybe she’s off that day, or she already did her scene…so she winds up hanging around set and the next thing you know she’s blowing the male talent.

It’s a scenario I’ve seen go down maybe once or twice.

As far as a porn girl working as a fluffer…well, shit don’t happen.

But I do have a fluffer story, and I think you’re gonna like it.

I’m in Vegas for a Porno Convention. Yep, porn’s an industry, and like all industries, we have conventions. Vegas is a popular destination for any type of convention, cause, well…you know.

Duh.

Anyway, I’m sitting at The Circle Bar with my lawyer, my male talent, and my new chick, and we’re waiting on Jaylynn Sinz. She’s today’s dicksucker, and she’s a good one.

Suddenly, I spot a little person intoxicated at the bar. Which is a nice way of saying I spotted a drunk midget — or a wasted dwarf.

To be completely accurate, this dude’s a dwarf, as midgets are very very rare, and you hardly ever see one; midgets are anatomically little straight across the board: their little fingers match their little heads match their little feet, whereas dwarves are a complete mess.

Turns out this dwarf bears a striking resemblance to Wee Man, Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O’s sidekick from Jack Ass. In fact, I’m convinced that it’s Wee Man, so I ask my lawyer if I should approach Wee Man and ask if he’ll let us film Jaylynn blowing him.

My lawyer looked at me like I was a retard.

So we both approach Wee Man, and he’s a jovial little guy, and the minute I ask if he wants to be in a porno, he loses his mind…in a good way. “FUCK YEA MAN! BRING ON DA BITCHES!!!”

“You’re Wee Man, right?”

“I’m Wee Mac!”

It’s loud in the bar, and I think part of me wanted so much for this to be the real Wee Man, cause I swore that’s what I heard: I’m Wee Man!

My lawyer was on it: he asked the little fellow what his real name was, and then, using his cell phone, he Googled Wee Man’s real name. Then, he looked at me and frowned, “He’s Wee Mac.”

Wee Mac laughed loudly and screamed, “I AM WEE MAC MOTHAFUCKERS AND I WANT MY DICK SUCKED!”

I looked at my lawyer and he looked at me. I said, “It’s still a midget getting blown by a hot porn chick. And he does look exactly like Wee Man. I think it’s good” and my lawyer said “fuck yea it’s good.”

Turns out Wee Mac has an adviser, and I had to talk to the adviser, and the adviser had to get on the phone and make a bunch of calls, and when it was all said and done I would have to pay Wee Mac in the “five figure range” to film him getting a BJ.

I passed.

That’s about the time Jaylynn showed up.

How did I get on midgets and dwarves and little people and Wee Mac and $10,000 BJ rates when this whole thing was supposed to be about fluffers?

Oh yea: as I’m working Wee Mac and his adviser, my male talent is working a sloppy drunk girl at the bar. And Sloppy Drunk Girl is intrigued that we’re Porno.

“I wanna be in a porno!” Sloppy Drunk Girl said.

I said “you can fluff.”

“What’s that mean?”

I defined it for Sloppy Drunk Girl, and she was down, and the next thing you know we’re in a room making dirty movies.

Drunk midgets and dirty movies and fluffers and Jaylynn Sinz blowing two dudes in a hotel room in Vegas while my lawyer snapped pictures.

And you thought your life was weird.

Super Fun E-mails

Super Fun E-Mails: “Spit and Rinse.”

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Jaylynn Sinz

My Pal Marty writes:

Hi Billy, I have to agree with JR about the male talent with one exception…Brandon Irons and Loadmymouth. He is an old fuck like you and he asks the questions I want to hear like, What’s the oldest guy you ever did it with, How old were you the first time you swallowed, Why are you here, How long have we known each other and one of my favorites…Are there any other holes open for business.

I have been a whore monger for many years and I have never come across the level of talent that I see on your sites. Are any of these girls escorts. I’d love to get a manojob from someone that looks like Chelci fox or even Jaylynn Sinz. How do you find these whores so willing to take a load in the face or show off the load in their mouth before they swallow it down. I’d love to do something like that but it isn’t usually available. Even in Vegas. Sure you can cum in their mouth but then they run for the bathroom to spit and rinse. Any tips on convincing them to do the right thing would be appreciated. Your pal, Marty

Dear Whoremonger Marty:

Thanks so much for the compliments! I dunno what to say! I mean your stamp of approval says a lot, and I mean that with all sincerity! Like you said — you’re a whoremonger — and you know finding tramps that look this good ain’t an easy task. I work really hard, dealing with all the scuzzy (and not-so-scuzzy) agents in Porno Land to harvest only the finest talent available.

Look at Jaylynn! What a piece of ass!

And Chelci Fox! Wowzers!!

Some porno girls do escort. Sometimes they’re referred to as “privates”. What a bargain, eh? Have one of your favorite porn stars come to your Vegas room for a private!

Not all of them do escort, but if you poke around the internet, there’s a site (or two) that will tell you, for the most part, which ones do…and get ready to shell out the fun tickets, cause they ain’t cheap!

I dunno what to tell you about the whores that spit and rinse, except this: the Porno World is like a small family. Really, it is. Almost everyone knows everyone, so when Jaylynn’s booked for a swallow scene, or, for example, I book Alexia Skye with Brandon Irons, and she’s getting paid to swallow…well, they usually know each other, there’s HIV tests readily available, so the swallow goes down without a hitch.

Whores are different than Porno Whores, and while I don’t know a whole lot about them, I know this — you’re a stranger, I’m sure you didn’t just show your recent HIV test to the Vegas whore you’re about to unload a wad of jizz into; hence, she’ll run to the bathroom, and spit…and rinse. Maybe you should build a relationship with one of your whores.

Become a regular.

Then, eat a healthy diet and pay her a little extra and I bet you’ll get your swallow…time and time again. She might even play along with your perverted, filthy questions.

Who knows…treat her right, and all her holes might be open for business, too.

Just make sure and bring your Jimmy Hat, yo.

Your pal — Billy

random rants, random raves

Year 5

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Kinzy Jo

It was August of 02 I left the Normal World of The Workplace — working 9 to 5; working a 40 hour week; break rooms and gossip; suits and ties; overtime pay; office drama; office flirtations; holidays and vacation time; coffee makers and secretaries and briefcases.

And I entered into porn whores and agents; no holidays and vacation whenever I want; working a 70 hour week; make-up rooms and gossip; flannel PJ’s with a cap on backwards; porno drama and porn whores; cameras and strobes and lube and baby wipes and pop shots and waiting forever on pop shots and wood and waiting forever on wood and no wood at all and HIV tests and chlamydia and gonorrhea and porno drama and porn whores and cameras and lube and baby wipes.

Did I mention dildoes and vibrators?

How about Gloryholes and Manojobs?

Or Spring Thomas and Chelci Fox?

I can’t say that I’ve got the best job in the world…nor the worst.

I can say I’ve got the best job I’ve ever had, which is way better than the worst job I’ve ever had, which was jackhammering a hole all summer long under an acid vat at the Union Carbide factory near Chicago…an acid vat in which they processed hot dog casings.

They would take those casing and squirt meat into them and package them and ship them to grocery stores and sell them and then you eat them: acid-washed casings filled with meat.

Here’s a secret recipe for ya: pour some chili con carne over them and YUM! Chili dogs! What a special treat!

Hold on.

Come to think of it, the worst job I ever had was selling Nissans in the desert heat.

No wait — the worst job I ever had was selling jewelry cleaner at Sam’s Club.

No wait — the worst job I ever had was selling penny stocks over the phone.

No wait — the worst job I ever had was substitute teaching in the middle school.

Yep, that’s it. Remember how you behaved when The Sub walked in?

Now, I Shoot Porn.

Barbie Cummings and Bella Donna and Sasha Gray and Gia Paloma and Hillary Scott and Haley Scott and Gwen Diamond and Lauren Phoenix and Nina Hartley and Adrianna Nicole and Fiona Cheeks and Katie Thomas and Candy Monroe and Riley Shy and Cherry Poppins and Ruth Blackwell and Erin Moore and Avy Lee Scott and Jayma Reed and Jacky Joy and Jenny Carmichael and Makenzie Wilson and Gianna and Riley Mason and Bree Olson and Trisha Rae and Chelsea Rae and Sativa Rose and Kitty and Jasmine Tame and Leah Luv.

Um, who’d I forget?

Eh, you get the point.

What a ride it’s been, and the way it looks, it’s nowhere near being done.